Together.

“I have a confession,” I say, trying to be cute.
“Oh yeah?” he says.
“I have a crush on you.” I text back.
“You don’t need to have a crush. We’re together.”

And then my heart smiles with the strength of a thousand suns and is full of colors of planets and stars and all of the rainbows you’ve ever seen in just one lifetime.

I then proceed to laugh, because I had no idea that we are together. None.

You see, life has given me nothing but rotten lemons lately in the love life department. This one though, he could possibly be different. He doesn’t kiss like he already knows how, he kisses like he would do anything to learn how it is right for me.

He doesn’t judge me for my mistakes, only tells me he doesn’t care and that he’s lucky. Lucky? No kidding. I feel like I’m the lucky one.

You see, I haven’t even told him yet about all the horrific ways I’ve been broken. He sees me as strong. He sees me as a hard worker. He tells me not to text him when I’m driving because he really truly cares and could never life with himself if something bad were to happen to me because of him. But it would be my fault for texting him.

It’s hard not to. When you like someone who actually treats you well and says cute things and acts like they are just as confused and awkward as you are. Someone who just knows you are together instead of asking. Someone who wants you to go to hockey games or watch sports, and you just go because it’s a good excuse to spend time together.

Someone who always opens the door for you and never lets you pay for dinner. Someone who tells you it will be fine. Someone who cares about other people and works harder at studying than anyone you’ve ever met before.

This guy is my together. I told him he rescued me. He told me, you were already perfectly strong on your own.

This guy is my math class crush who constantly pushes me to be the best I can be. This guy makes my heart melt, my pulse speed up, and my whole body smile, and we, well we’re together.

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Ignore me.

Does anyone really feel as messed up as I do right now? I feel like I need to burst. I feel like I need to do everything in my power to push him away. Is that normal? I feel like it’s not.

After months of being ignored or brushed off by my horrible ex boyfriend, I can’t help but lose my mind when someone who supposedly likes me doesn’t make any effort to talk to me. The reasons have ranged from they don’t actually like me to they are engaged in a football game. Whatever the reason, I always spiral out of control whenever I feel ignored.

By friends, by family, and a thousand times over by boys I like. I will absolutely give up if they don’t talk to me very much. I want to give up whenever I don’t hear from them. I really want to give up. And I have to fight myself.

It’s not normal to feel like this, self. It’s normal for people to be busy. You probably like each other just the same amount. Nope, I like him way more, self. I need to end this before I get too attached. I need to push him away. I need to take my space and be myself again. This means I clearly can’t handle simply liking someone, so why would I be even remotely able to be in a relationship with him? I’m going to scare him away soon anyways, I might as well just consciously do it.

So I push. And I push. And I hope that something frees me from my inner turmoil. And I know most likely it’s going to be me pushing you away when I really do like you. And I think you really do like me too. But I can’t handle being ignored. And I don’t know how to tell you about that because you don’t suffer from anxiety and you don’t really get what it takes for me to get out of bed in the morning. And you don’t really understand that every day is a struggle and there are simple things you can do to help.

Because I don’t want to seem desperate or needy or annoying. I don’t want to force you to talk to me when I’m not sure you even want to. Part of me wonders if you are waiting for me to text you. Do you feel this constant pain that I feel?

I’m not ready to talk about the horrible things that happened to me. I’m not ready to tell you about what he did. What I put up with. What it did to me. I want you to see me as unbroken as you possibly can for the longest amount of time that you possibly can.

But let’s be honest here. I am broken.

Conflicted

I know I haven’t been around here lately. I feel really guilty about it, but there’s nothing I can do. I have been through so much in the past two months, I don’t even know what I can say… and besides, I need to make a rant so that maybe I can stop obsessing about something.

For starters, grad school has been nothing but a huge financial burden. I got a job at a retail store nearby because my program didn’t give me any sort of aid other than loans. And the loans they give you don’t cover the total amount, and so then you have to take out even more loans. Like people, I am going to be a teacher, not a billionaire, come on. Jack up the tuition for MBAs and Engineers, but I am getting a Master’s in Teaching.

Anyways, so that has been an absolute nightmare, come to find out anytime I take out a loan they just keep applying half of it to next semester, and they didn’t tell me this for months. I’m taking WAY less credits next semester, too. So I’m going to be absolutely broke at the end of all of this because they don’t listen and they aren’t helpful at the financial aid office.

My cat has also been sick ūüė¶ there was what looked like a huge growth on her chin, which turned out to be a pimple. Kitty acne guys! Except it won’t go away and we’ve been to the vet twice (almost $400 later). And then my car was making this weird squeaking noise and it turned out that it needed $840 of work…So needless to say, I have like no money left. None.

And I’m working about 26 hours a week and taking 19 credits. I’m basically not a person anymore and don’t have time to do the normal things that people do like watching tv or vacuuming their rooms. I eat a lot of take out food and a lot of microwavable meals. I am losing weight like it’s nobody’s business. I barely write. I barely smile.

Grad school has taken my soul hostage and left me as a robot. I’m serious guys. The way my schedule is right now I don’t have a single day off. And I can’t afford to get rid of any of my shifts at work because I already am basically in the negative anyways, even though I work 4 shifts a week. So, thank you all the sacrifices that I made. Moving away from all my friends, quitting a new job that I actually liked, and moving in with my grandmother for $200 rent and basically giving up my independence and every semblance of the person I used to be. I hope that it’s freaking worth it in the end.

——
I guess that was rant part one. Now here we go. As if all that crap wasn’t enough, the cute guy in my math class had to go and make me like him. I’m so disappointed in myself because it feels like this always happens. And then I get so so lost because I don’t know which way is up.

We were table buddies in math but always ended up chatting after class or what not. I thought he was cute on the first day of class all those weeks ago, and I obviously kept it to myself. He actually seems like a pretty nice guy, but is coming from an extreme career change as he was a statistics writer for a sports magazine and is now getting his master’s in Special Education, which honestly just made me like him even more. He’s from Long Island, and is very Italian, kind of on the short side, but is really sweet. He’s calm and gets his work done ahead of time.

Then there’s me. Anxiety is through the roof right now. IBS. Insomnia. Family issues. Pet issues. Financial issues. Time management issues. Always working issues. Lack of stability and independence and what not issues. Anyways, we had a math quiz a few weeks ago and I created a google doc for our group to study with. So I got his email! I was so proud of myself (ha ha). We emailed back and forth a lot after the quiz. I think it was like 99 times or something ridiculous. I then just gave him my number and he emailed me back with his. So I texted him. And then I couldn’t stop texting him. He was so interesting to talk to. And obviously I already had a crush on him.

In the midst of everything he invited me to his birthday party. Naturally, I absolutely panicked because I am a ruiner and that’s what I do. It was a Friday night though, so I was going to be working anyways. I said something dumb like I could meet him afterwards if I didn’t get out of work too late. I obviously never had the intention of going because I could feel the color draining out of my face thinking about all the new people I would have to get introduced to. I don’t know if he asked me as a friend or what, but obviously that adorable gesture started to make me think that he might just like me, too. I knew he knew that I had been really stressed out and maybe he had just invited me because it was a party and a good time to unwind?

It ended up being a huge flood in Boston that night so he went out to dinner with all of his friends but was home around the same time I got out of work because all the bars were closed. We kept texting until like past midnight and did that a few other times. But it’s always me initiating everything. A friend of mine says that the guy is probably interested because he keeps texting me back and doesn’t flat out ignore me. I can’t help but wonder if he does like me. I mean, what was that whole birthday party invite about? Did I ruin everything by saying no?

I can’t figure it out. I want to text him. I like him. It seems unnatural not to. But with my past, I have to be careful. I can’t put my foot forward if he isn’t putting one forward with me. I know we are both graduate students and have ridiculous amounts of work this week… but what the hell is wrong with me? I want him to show me that he likes me but to push him away at the same time so I can protect myself. I would give anything for a sign that he really does like me. If he doesn’t, please just let me down easily so I can move forward with my life, and stop obsessing over what the birthday party invitation meant. Or what it means when he doesn’t answer my texts or send me a text first but then is all flirty in class, stealing my pretzels and talking to me after and during, and oh god, just make it stop.

Friends…?

You never know how lucky you are until you move away. I have a great group of friends in the city I just left and knowing that I had those friends makes me even lonelier than I already am. It’s like when you buy an ice cream cake and you don’t know how good it is until you open the box. I never thought I would make such strong friendships with such wonderful people. I feel honored and extremely lucky to have these people in my life.

My whole life I struggled with making friends. I was never popular. I always felt like a social outcast. There were times, especially in middle school, when I didn’t do the right thing because I felt someone was bringing me down as a friend.

In middle school there were these twins who I wanted to be so badly. They had money, were good at sports, had been skiing their whole lives, and everyone liked them. The twin I had more classes with told me that for their birthday this guy, Patrick, made out with all of the girls at the party. At the time I was super impressed. Now, thinking about it, Patrick made out with like 15 middle school girls in the same night. Gross. (I would like to add that I always had a huuuuuge crush on Patrick and was so jealous. Now, Patrick is a fat police officer and he is not at all cute). I know this because, somehow, we are still friends on Facebook after all of these years.

Needless to say, I tried super hard to be her friend even though the kinds of things she was doing were completely foreign to me. I mean, I didn’t properly make out with a guy until college, let’s be honest here. I had a few boyfriends in high school and all we did was kiss and awkwardly avoid that whole using tongue thing. It almost seems comical now, to me.

When I planned my eighth grade birthday party, I invited this cool twin. She told me not to invite this girl that I was friends with. So I didn’t. I wanted her to like me. I wanted her to invite me into the popular group that she was a part of, so then I could finally not feel like a total dweeb, for once. She kept saying how excited she was for my party. I felt so relieved that someone like her would want to even consider being my friend. The week of the party, she informed me that I couldn’t make it. So I invited the girl that she didn’t like, instead. And let me tell you, to this day, I don’t regret inviting this girl at all. She truly was my friend and I’m glad the twin didn’t make it to my party. (Side note, I was totally always the naive and innocent one and I’m still not sure to this day how someone’s bra ended up in the freezer…)

Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is that I suck at making friends. I suck at picking the right people to hang out with. My social anxiety makes it impossible for me to read people or know if they want to be my friends until they pull a gesture that really tells me they want to be my friend.

I spent the first 3 weeks of college mostly alone and so awkwardly saying “hello” to the people in my dorm and then going straight in my room. I cried a lot. I was really homesick and had no friends. One night, I ¬†was doing homework and I came out to tell my neighbors to shut up, since they were all hanging out in the hall way. Instead, I talked to them, and some of those people I met that night are still some of my very best friends. Things like that don’t usually happen to me; it felt like the exception that time.

Flash forward to the rest of college where I didn’t really make any new friends other than those I had become friends with during my freshman year and then the occasional friend along the way. Even when I was a RA, I thought so many of those people were my friends, come to find out they were all hanging out and not inviting me, and many of the people I wanted so desperately to be friends with have already unfriended me on Facebook. Even people I thought I was close with didn’t make an effort after graduation.

So what is it about me? I consider myself an okay, if not good, friend to the friends I already have. I try my hardest to be there for people when they need me (or even if they think they don’t) and I try to include everyone in what I’m doing. I try really hard to keep in touch with friends who move away. I try to keep tabs on my family near and far. I try to be kind, to say the right thing, and to have somewhat of a social life. I am fiercely loyal, almost to a fault, about the ones I care about. I’m not afraid to alienate people who betray my friends or family.

There are two more sessions of my second summer class left. Let me tell you, if you thought making friends in high school, middle school, or college was tough, it’s NOTHING compared to attempting to make friends in grad school. Nobody wants to talk to you, but they all want to talk to each other. I mean, we are master’s students, people! Enough with the cliques. I just keep having these horrid flashbacks to middle school.

Your peers will laugh out loud when you are talking to the professor and make a mistake. Your peers will rudely correct you when you’re wrong and act like you’re wrong when you’re talking about something you’re familiar with and they are not. If they don’t know it, it’s not right and they will then attempt to prove you wrong, when the whole time you knew you were right and that just ended up being a huge waste of time. People will steal your chair even when you leave your belongings in it so you don’t get to sit with the other people and you have to sit by yourself, again.

People in grad school forget how to say hi or use their manners. People in grad school forget how to be kind. You feel extremely sad that you don’t have any friends, but why would you want to be friends with these people anyways? Who makes plans during class right in front of everyone else? Who rides the subway with you a few times and then starts walking to another station without saying a thing? Who feels the need to endlessly correct you and put you down? Grad students.

It’s lucky I have a great group of friends back in Maine, otherwise I would completely lose my mind. I just need one friend. ONE. Then this class might have been easier to get through.

Luckily there’s just two days left, and then I’m off to the midwest with my parents for 10 days. I need a break from feeling so lonely and sad every time I make the trek into Boston for class. If one person in that classroom could just understand that I just moved here and maybe could try reaching out instead of completely ignoring me or putting me down, that might give me some hope for these people. Instead, I’m left to wonder if maybe, in the fall when I am taking more classes, will people be more respectful and understanding? Will I continue to take classes with some of these people?

I tried to be patient but I can’t wait until this class is over.

graduate school.

I wanted to let you all know my big news: I am going to graduate school in Boston for the next 12 months! Woohoo!

I didn’t have internet access for a few weeks and then I finally got it set up this week only to find out that I have a broken router and now I have to wait for a new one to arrive in the mail!!

I have literally flipped my whole world around in order to make this possible and it feels so strange. I’m definitely not used to any of it yet, and there are so many changes that come with it all. By the way, I HATE change, just in case I haven’t ever expressed that before.

3 Things I wish I had known about grad school ahead of time:

(1) When you don’t live on campus, it is impossible to know what you are doing. You will basically go broke within the first week of grad school.¬†I didn’t know that I was actually¬†eligible for student¬†loans but at first I thought I was but then I didn’t think I had enough credits. ¬†I was all confused. I paid over $3,000 out of pocket for my summer tuition and now I am¬†absolutely screwed (with $$) and I have no idea where the financial aid office is or who to talk to. People are NOT helpful by email.¬†

(2) If your advisor is not teaching a summer class… they will pretty much disappear and suck at answering your questions via email.¬†I mean me asking you what¬†specific¬†physical education class I should take over the summer, having tried to search on three different occasions, and you responding with “any physical education¬†class…” complete with the ellipsis to treat me like I’m some kind of¬†dumbass. I’m just trying to make my full-time semesters a little bit less hectic, but you know, thank you for the ellipsis because that really helped me solve ALL OF MY PROBLEMS.¬†

(3) Being in grad school is just plain hard.¬†Everyone else plays Pokemon Go in my class so I downloaded it and now they are all¬†looking at me like I’m crazy¬†because it’s almost like I¬†copied them, which I basically did so that I could fit in better. Everyone is younger than me. Everyone has established possees and cliques and here I am just having moved here and having¬†basically ZERO friends around and¬†everyone looks at me like I have fourteen heads when I try to talk to them. Having to sit through 3 hours straight of math is hard enough but even harder when not a single person wants to be your friend and you work in groups every single class.¬†

So basically, so far, I’ve bought a lot of crap I didn’t need because I’m stressed out that my savings are gone because I had to pay for my classes out of pocket. I never said I was¬†reasonable¬†or¬†intelligent guys. I tend to dig myself in humungous holes and wonder how I got down there to begin with.

I also am living with my grandmother which has taught me a few things:

(1) Old people are more popular than I can ever hope to be. And did you know that it is RUDE not to pick up the phone if you are in the middle of something? YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CALL PEOPLE BACK LATER. NO WAY!

(2) If your three-month-old kitten tries to steal your grandmother’s glasses, he is terrifying and we should all be afraid of him. But, we can’t kick him out of the room and put him in the hall way so he stops.

(3) For once, you’ll live with someone who drinks less water than you do. You’ll sound like a nagging biotch of a mother by how many times you harass your grandmother to drink water daily.

(4) It’s not acceptable to leave ANY of your stuff lying around the common areas. If you leave recyclable bottles anywhere except in the garage they will be put on the table in a huge pile and nobody will use their words to ask you to take care of anything.

(5) Things that literally are stupidly freaking hilarious like the fat that Siri’s favorite animal is a Tauntaun but only when it’s cold, are NOT FUNNY.

(6) It is more important to wash the kitchen floor by hand or to walk up and down the stairs to do your laundry than to breathe. Especially when someone else offers to help. Just. Say. NO.

(7) Your girl cat is suddenly a BOY and your boy cat is suddenly a GIRL. Boy cat is too skinny even though he is a baby!

(8) You will no longer be able to just do your own thing without giving a heavy detailed explanation before you leave the house.

(9) Things that used to take 5 minutes will take hours because your grandmother will not stop talking to you.

(10) If you tell someone that you’ve heard the same story from your grandmother 17 times (which is obviously an estimate but probably not an exaggeration) you will be the bad guy and be given dirty looks.

(11) If you tell your grandmother you are working a wedding on a Saturday, you told her Sunday. And by god you are confusing her on purpose because you obviously said the wrong day and she should have been recording you to prove her point.

(12) Donald Trump is making the republican party LOOK BAD!!!!

(12) Demi Lovato was wearing a horrible outfit on 4th of July and she looked like she was wearing her underwear.

(13) You now are completely (and might I add, repeatedly) familiar with the drama of your grandmother’s friend who lives down the road. And the drama of basically every other friend and family member who calls on the phone. Except you overhear the conversation, and then it gets told to you again 400 times after you overhear the phone conversation.

(14) Do people really wear short shorts?

(15) When your bra straps show, that is not acceptable.

(16) It is also not acceptable to offer to carry a fan downstairs for your grandmother.

(17) If you can lift the trash can without a dolly, you are superwoman.

(18) Grandmothers who have never tried pad thai become addicted to pad thai.

(19) Your collapsable blue outdoor chair your parents gave to your for your 27th birthday is the most important item that you own. Your roommates would have stolen it if you had not brought it to Massachusetts or probably claimed it as their own and not given it back.

(20) The bottoms of your pans are supposed to be shiny and beautiful. You’re just not supposed to use your pans to cook. People really buy non-stick pans too and then wonder why they look so dirty from things sticking to them.

(21) Your grandmother will suddenly realize one day that you’ve been living on your own for 5 years and it’s no wonder you came with so many of your own belongings.

(22) You will have a hard time keeping your stuff confined to one bedroom. Your grandmother will question when you put your stuff in another room only to realize that it’s actually her stuff and her stuff is IN YOUR ROOM.

(23) Every day you wear something new you will get a fashion critique whether you ask for it or not.

lonely.

I’m tired of hearing that people are lonely and then using it as an excuse for doing stupid things. I have been basically single since August 2012 (except for that brief time where I was dating someone I really cared about for 3 months or so and it ended horribly). I have no sympathy for any of it anymore.

Being lonely is not a good excuse to hang out with your ex girlfriend at the expense of your own heart. Being lonely is not a good excuse to harass your other ex at his place of work and bring the first ex there to make him jealous. Try being actually single for a while without hanging out with any of your exes. Just try it.

Being lonely is not an excuse to make out with the guy your roommate has a crush on. You shouldn’t have ever even considered making out with someone else at that point since you were still hanging out with both of your ex girlfriends. Now you’ve lost the trust of everyone around you and hurt a really nice guy for no reason.

Being lonely is not a good excuse for sleeping with someone else when you’re already in a relationship. Don’t have your cake and eat it too. It’s beyond tacky. It’s the most selfish thing you can do and it affects multiple people in horrible ways all at the same time.

Being lonely is not a good excuse to get absolutely wasted and make a fool of yourself. Being lonely is not an excuse to act like a complete slut all of the time. Yes, people make some drunken mistakes, but to make them repeatedly and blame it on being lonely, it’s not okay.

I’ve experienced every single holiday for the past four years alone. I’ve witnessed several cousins and friends get married or engaged. I’ve seen people have babies. I’ve seen people fall in love in seconds and realize they’ve found their soulmate. I’ve spent so much time alone that I don’t recognize myself anymore, sometimes. I’ve felt lonely when I am around ¬†the ones I love or in a crowd of people. I’ve felt lonely while watching tv in my own living room.

But, I’ve also made some pretty significant gains. I’ve begun to heal and actually listen to my body. Granted, it unfortunately ended up with me getting prescribed anti-depressants to help with everything that’s going on and trying an elimination diet for my IBS (I miss real yogurt so much!) but I’m working it out. Being lonely and single caused me to begin this blog a few years back and I’ve had one hell of a good time writing and interacting with everyone in the WordPress world.

Being lonely really helped me start thinking about the kind of career that I want. I realized I can have multiple careers. I can be a writer, a teacher, and eventually join academia with further degrees in teaching or some other related subject. I’m also beginning my master’s degree, finally, thanks to being lonely. I’ve run two 5ks while being lonely. I never even dreamed that I would enjoy running, let alone run long distances. I’ve adopted two absolutely adorable cats and they make me feel truly loved every single day.

So friends, be lonely. Feel the feels. Stop doing stupid things and using being lonely as an excuse. Being lonely should be a bridge to better things. Being lonely should be the fuel to firing up your life. We all experience pain at one point or another and it’s important to feel the pain as you need to, or you’re never going to be able to move forward with your life. So, do yoga or run the 5k. Experience loneliness from the comfort of your own home. Write, draw, drink the margarita without worrying about how many calories are in it. For god’s sake, being single can be the best times¬†of your life. If you appreciate your loneliness, someday your soulmate will come along, and you will be ready. If you appreciate your loneliness, you won’t be sitting around waiting for someone; you will be the love of your own life.

update.

Needless to say, this year has been absolutely insane. I’m about ready for things to settle down, but I don’t think they will for a long time.

The good news is that after two months of worrying that I have cancer, my biopsy came back clean. When I finally heard the news, I almost burst into tears of happiness. Somehow I stayed strong even though I was worried I was going to die for two months, which was the time it took between scheduling an initial appointment with the gyno and the results finally coming back. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted them to do whatever necessary to save my life even if it was taking out my ovaries and making it so I could never have children again.

The good news is that I’m getting a new kitten next week. My baby girl will be getting her first fur-sibling. She’s been living with some fur-cousins but has not experienced actually sharing me with another pet before. I am excited to bring him home.

The great news is that I am going back to school. It’s finally happening. I am moving to Boston and getting my Master’s in Elementary Education. The timing is a little wonky and I had to turn down an amazing opportunity at Columbia due to affordability but I am excited that this program will only take about a year and then allow me to work as a teacher September 2017.

The bad news is I haven’t been writing. Like, at all. It’s pretty bad. I have all these ideas but I have spent so much time focusing on all the paper work for grad school and tying up all the loose ends that I keep forgetting to make time to read the blogs I follow and to write down my thoughts. I am getting back into it now.

The bad news is I have to move and I’ve lived in the same city since I graduated from college over 5 years ago. It’s extremely bitter sweet and there are so many people and places I am going to miss. I am going to be living with family for the next year so saying goodbye to my independence has been quite the struggle.

The bad news is that my roommate issues became neutral and then this past weekend she made out with the boy I like behind my back. And then my heart was snapped into a million pieces and I realized that bad people don’t deserve my time or effort. I can’t even begin to explain how many times I’ve been nice to her lately and how backstabbed I am feeling right now. Luckily my move out date is in less than a month.

The bad news is I have to say goodbye to my new job that literally saved my life this past year. When my old job was about to make me go off the deep end, this job popped up and made me want to be a teacher more than ever before. I met so many wonderful children and staff members at the school I’ve been working at and have had the opportunity to teach special ed math and literacy. I definitely want to try and come back in 2017 when I’m all done with school. We only have a few more weeks left before the school year ends and I am going to be extremely sad when I have my last day with the wonderful nuggets I have gotten this amazing opportunity to work with.

So there you have it… I’m sure I’ve forgotten something but I am looking forward to these next steps that I’m going to be taking. I’ve been taking a night class already so I’ve been commuting down to Boston once a week… and barely having any time to get my homework done or to write. I promise I’ll try to do better.

I’ll be back very, very soon. Love you all and thanks for reading.

summary.

So, let’s talk about what I’ve been up to lately. There are barely enough hours in the day to keep up with it all. I’ve been trying to be productive since 2016 started. I think I’ve done fairly well…

Within the past few months I:

  • Applied for my passport to be renewed
  • Finished my three grad school applications
  • Applied for my Ed Tech renewal, which I need for my current job
  • Signed up for the PRAXIS, and studied as hard as I could
  • Took the PRAXIS which took ALMOST FIVE HOURS
  • Paid $500 for my precious baby kitty to have a dental surgery/procedure
  • Found out my mom has a heart problem (on christmas day)
  • Seen my mom go through two heart procedures
  • Found out there are irregular cells on my pap smear and thought I was going to die from cancer
  • Had my cervix biopsied in two places and nearly fainted when I saw all of the blood
  • Visited all three potential grad schools
  • Got accepted to all three grad schools
  • Sprained my thumb really painfully at work
  • Wrote pages and pages in a journal but didn’t quite get to blogging a lot of it due to everything else
  • Been put on an anti-depressant for my anxiety
  • Pretty much been diagnosed with IBS by my new doctor
  • Barely gotten any financial aid from ANY of the grad schools
  • Have been put on an elimination diet to attempt to reduce all the stomach problems I’ve been suffering from (probably due to IBS & stress)
  • Have mostly stopped drinking ever since I was put on my new medication
  • Done everything to avoid my roommate who is making me miserable on a daily basis usually just by being around but also by doing verbally aggressive and passive aggressive things directly to me

So what I realized last night is that: my life is completely ridiculous and my mind is absolutely random but I still have a little bit of faith that maybe it will all work out. 

And it’s this ridiculously and randomness that keeps me writing as much as I can. Welcome to Random Ramblings, people.

timing.

It’s been eight¬†years, almost nine. I met you at a time when college was just beginning and I listened solely to alternative rock music. One time, I logged onto your roommate’s computer and emailed myself a bunch of alternative rock songs that I didn’t have. He was so mad at you for letting me use your computer. I think we were all drunk. I still listen to some of the songs I sent myself on my iPod every once in a while. Your roommate didn’t really end up being friends with any of us after freshman year. He went on his own way with his girlfriend who eventually became his wife. He was afraid to talk to me since I was another girl and she got mad one time because I had written something stupid on the white board outside your bedroom door.

You had a girlfriend back home then, she was a senior in high school, and we were first semester freshman in college. I was infatuated with you. Obviously, you did not return the feelings then, as far as I know. I thought you were hilarious. I thought you were so handsome and I was so bummed that you had a girlfriend. Back then, there were a lot of guys that I hung out with as friends, so I eventually moved on to one of our friends. (I’ll write about him another time- it’s not a happy story). That didn’t last, obviously, because I am unlucky in both timing and love. You also moved off campus and at some point broke up with your girlfriend, but my feelings for you were not really there.

Sophomore year, you used to pick me up between my classes and take me to the park or on mini adventures. You had temporarily transferred to a community college nearby to take some classes you needed for your major and it was nice for me to get off campus every once in a while. It was fall. The weather is beautiful here, then. We were in the park near the mini house when you asked me if I would get pizza with you sometime. You brought it up the next time we hung out, after we had already finalized our plans, and you said “I am so excited for our date”.

I panicked, because that is obviously my nature. I also had two other guys who were interested in me at the same time and I picked the wrong one, like I usually do. We went on the date-that-I-didn’t-think-was-a-date. I was STARVING. You were really excited to show me this pizza place. I was mad. The pizza was the same as the pizza place where I worked back home and we waited something like an hour and a half or something crazy like that. It’s funny because now my other friends and I host a lot of birthdays at this particular pizza place and I am a big fan of their pizza. I think the problem was you made me wait over an hour for pizza that was exactly the same as the free pizza I had been eating all summer. And I already felt awkward enough because I just didn’t think of you that way anymore. You asked if you could sleep over and I made you stay with our friend. I didn’t want to give you the wrong idea. But you are a good man.

My feelings for you in the recent past have always been fleeting. Or you’ve been in relationships. Or I’ve been in a horrific relationship for years and we’ve lost touch and then when we hang out it’s like we never stopped hanging out. Our timing is quite horrible. Our timing could use some work. Most recently, you were in a relationship and I was single, as I have mostly been for the past four¬†years or so, and you were looking at me like no one else has ever looked at me but you were still dancing with your girlfriend. It was santacon. We were all super drunk. Your friends started telling my friends that you were miserably in love with me and were always fighting with your girlfriend because of it. You guys eventually broke up. And that brings us to now. I’ve been waiting for you to heal before I decide anything. I obviously have a lot of my own potential changes going on right now. But you decided to move away. Like eight¬†hours away or something crazy like that.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out how I went from trying not to make eye contact with you at santacon to this present moment where I am praying you text me back or that I might get to see you before you move on Saturday. I haven’t always been the kindest person towards you, I haven’t always made the best decisions regarding you but I thought we had more time.

You show up early to my Halloween party just to help, you ditch your friends just to come hang out at the bar where I am, you say the stupidest things but always manage to make me laugh, you’re kind, and you’re forgiving. You were with me during one of my most horrible moments, where I wanted to die, and you said “I hope you don’t hate me after this”, like it was your fault. My mental health problems are not your fault, and they will never be. I wish I could tell you that, but I am way too chicken. We didn’t speak for a year because of that time. I think we kissed but I honestly was in such a low place and drank too much on an empty stomach so I can’t remember what is real and what is fake. I know I drove home and you were crying because you didn’t want me to hurt myself. When we finally started talking again you acted like I was so fragile, but I am not fragile anymore.

I want you to know the amount I have been burned is nothing you could ever imagine. The struggles I have dealt with lately are probably not even comprehendible to you. I am trying every day, despite all my struggles. I am finally trying to face the next challenge in my life, and I keep avoiding all the things that are hard. I am glad you’re back in my life, but I am devastated that you’re moving so far away.

roommates.

I haven’t been writing on here lately. I have been writing in a journal but I have been so busy that I haven’t had time to actually fabricate a blog post lately. For those who want to read more, I will be completing a post (or two) soon about all the challenges, achievements, stresses, and health problems I have been having lately.

Today I write a post about something that is gravely affecting me in all areas of my home life. My home is no longer a safe place where I feel welcome. My home is full of tension and anger. I have lived in this home for almost two years and it has not always felt this way. In fact, I used to work really hard to make it homey and welcoming. I used to have other roommates who were pleasant to live with and who remain some of my best friends to this day. I lived alone for two months with one of my current roommates and that was peaceful bliss compared to what it used to be. I do my absolute best to be respectful of the roommates who live here at any given time.

I am writing today since I am at a loss for what to do. I feel like I am pretty close to either exploding or possibly losing it completely, or both. I have spoken to my landlord, my parents, my grandmother, my male roommate, my coworkers, and pretty much every single one of my friends about the issues at hand. I have tried to speak with the problem person but that person becomes agitated with me and ends up being very belittling, aggressive, and insulting.

I guess you could say it started the moment she moved in. Her boyfriend didn’t technically have a place to live for the first month, so he was always here. I minded but also accepted that it was a temporary situation and that he would be getting his own place. He was always here and waiting for her in his car when I got home from work so I would often let him in. At some point, she made boyfriend a key. Boyfriend began to come and go as he pleased. Then, there were multiple fights that were being had at 1 or 2 or 3 (on weeknights) in the morning when I have to get up at 6:30ish for work. There was a lot of door slamming. It began to be a huge issue for me. My insomnia began to spiral. I tried to drop several hints about how I desperately need my rest for my job. I confronted him during one time because all you could hear was “Mike stop!” and it was 3 am. I told him to stop whatever he was doing or leave and he began to insult me. I told him no way, not in my own home. They didn’t fight for a while after that, but it wasn’t long before I was awoken by yet another fight or slamming of the doors.

They seem to forget that the front door is right next to my head. They seem to forget how to shut it quietly and my male roommate has recently told me that every time they slam the door, it makes his bed shake and his dog begins to get upset anytime they are yelling. Speaking of the pets, there was one time where boyfriend left the back door open in the middle of their fight and took off. We have three pets and it was the middle of the winter. I was beyond furious. The next morning when boyfriend was back and his car was blocking me in I verbally asked her for a break. It took 30+ minutes for me to get her to wake up and I was trying to leave to give my friend a ride. She decided that it is okay to block someone in and then lock their keys inside the room with you and not answer when someone knocks. I told her that I needed a break from boyfriend and was not quite sure why his car was even in the driveway. She began to yell at me and say that it was just a car, acting like the car was the only major issue. I explained how my male roommate and I leave our keys on the hooks so that the cars can get shuffled around if need be. She continued to say insulting things and I continued to exclaim that she doesn’t listen to a word I say. At that point I really did feel like she wasn’t even listening to me. We had spent hours that morning consoling her about all the horrible things boyfriend said and did. We went to bed after 3 am. Boyfriends car was in the driveway at 1 PM the next day. That means not even 12 hours had passed before they had made up. When I told her I was LIVID about the door being left open as a reason for why I needed a break from boyfriend being there all the time she told me that I would need to talk to her boyfriend about that. I did some yelling. She threatened to move out and I said good if that’s they way you want to solve this. And I walked out.

I wish that was the end of everything. Obviously things have been tense since that. Obviously I have had a lot of things going on lately that I need to tell people about. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my room avoiding the common areas that I pay to have access to. There are a lot of little things that are adding to the stress: female roommate does not clean, female roommate and boyfriend leave huge messes in the kitchen and get pissed off at me if I leave anything anywhere that they don’t like it, female roommate moves our stuff around all the time but still has multiple unpacked boxes in the dining room, we can’t even use the dining room table because female roommate has decided that is where a HUGE poisonous plant is supposed to live (poisonous to BOTH cats AND dogs), female roommate blew up at me when I cleaned the dining room for my Halloween party (which in turn the next day she blew up at me about the same thing AGAIN via text and I was so upset that I cried all night and had to stay at a friend’s apartment because I felt like I wasn’t welcome in my own home), female roommate has called me names and told me I don’t clean up after myself in very insulting ways, boyfriend lives here and does his laundry here and doesn’t contribute either, female roommate called me loud but I go to bed at 10:30 pm and never can fall asleep because they think that it’s okay to make noise when they want to stay up late, and last but not least female roommate has alluded that boyfriend is abusive and they constantly break up and seek sympathy from the outside world and then get back together and then fight over stupid things like spoons (I wish I had made the spoon thing up- it really did happen). Female roommate also decided that when I pointed out to her that she is in DIRECT violation of the guest policy that it was okay to ignore what I said and boyfriend has basically been living here ever since. There was one month or so where they didn’t stay here but constantly came and went to do their laundry.

Most recently roommate got her own separate clynk account for bottle returns even though she knows full well that we have a home account that I use to buy toilet paper and a whole host of other items for the house. I decided to add fuel to the fire since she was already furious and being super rude when I asked her why she had a separate account. I told her what the past three months of utilities were which I had been avoiding asking her for (1) because frankly I’ve had much more important things going on and (2) anytime I’ve texted her lately it has been horrific and adds more stress to my already stressed out life. She complained about me not asking her for money before and that she had been gone for a month and was not paying that month. I told her she would pay all utilities and was lucky to not be paying half since boyfriend is always here. She flipped out at me and that conversation didn’t go anywhere because I put my phone in my bag and proceeded to focus on the more fun things that I was doing.

I seriously wish I was done. Things are OBVIOUSLY even more tense now that we had that clinic/utilities text battle, but the good part is that it was in a group chat so male roommate can see how awful female roommate is to me (I mean he obviously already believed me and tells me he’s on the same page as me) but it was good for him to see it in person. I wish I was making the next part up. I had easter today with my family. I got back and unpacked my bags and then went in the kitchen to call my dad back and make a cup of tea. She came in, I don’t even know why, I didn’t see her grab anything or whatever. I just stood in front of the stove quietly talking to my dad and then she turned the light off on me. I yelled “seriously female roommate” and she told me “I don’t know what you’re freaking out about.” and then proceeded to walk into the living room and sit on the couch and probably whisper to boyfriend about me. HOW DOES SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY SHUT OFF A LIGHT? HOW DOES SOMEONE NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THAT? WHO DOES THAT? I am just at the point where I want her to move out right now and I don’t even care. If she does not pay me the utilities I will force the landlord to get involved but he has been very hands off even though I told him she was breaking the guest policy and had made boyfriend a key without anyone’s permission.

I don’t know what to do people. I am sorry it was such a long explanation. I’m sure I forgot something. Our lease ends in two months. I don’t know if I will be able to make it. I can’t possibly talk about this anymore to any of my friends than I already have. I can’t possibly come up with any solutions since she is not open to hearing anyone’s suggestions or criticisms. I accidentally locked her out of the house once when everyone was home and she has not let me forget it and brings it up anytime we argue. We used to be close friends but the more problems we have as roommates the less I want to have anything to do with her. It’s pathetic how selfish she is. It’s pathetic that a 33 year old man crashes at his girlfriend’s house 24/7. I literally think he is here more than I am. I actually have a life and try and get out and do things. Female roommate was mad at me one time because it was 1 am on a weeknight and I told her to be quiet. She told me that I was loud at 2 pm on a Sunday and that we have “different schedules”. I want to point out that I was cleaning the bathroom. I used to get up at 10 am or so on Saturdays or Sundays to clean. I’m not allowed to do that anymore. I’ve stopped cleaning as much and obviously the house is a mess.

What would you do? Has anyone ever had an experience like this? I’ve had small problems with some of my past roommates but all were fixable and the people who I needed to listen always did. What do I do people? I have nightmares about this constantly. I sleep maybe 3 hours a night. I dread coming home after work when I know female roommate or boyfriend is already here. I cook and clean my dinner as fast as I can and I don’t spend time in the common areas unless my male roommate is too. I can’t even make this stuff up.

Someone turned a light off on me on purpose tonight.