graduate school.

I wanted to let you all know my big news: I am going to graduate school in Boston for the next 12 months! Woohoo!

I didn’t have internet access for a few weeks and then I finally got it set up this week only to find out that I have a broken router and now I have to wait for a new one to arrive in the mail!!

I have literally flipped my whole world around in order to make this possible and it feels so strange. I’m definitely not used to any of it yet, and there are so many changes that come with it all. By the way, I HATE change, just in case I haven’t ever expressed that before.

3 Things I wish I had known about grad school ahead of time:

(1) When you don’t live on campus, it is impossible to know what you are doing. You will basically go broke within the first week of grad school. I didn’t know that I was actually eligible for student loans but at first I thought I was but then I didn’t think I had enough credits.  I was all confused. I paid over $3,000 out of pocket for my summer tuition and now I am absolutely screwed (with $$) and I have no idea where the financial aid office is or who to talk to. People are NOT helpful by email. 

(2) If your advisor is not teaching a summer class… they will pretty much disappear and suck at answering your questions via email. I mean me asking you what specific physical education class I should take over the summer, having tried to search on three different occasions, and you responding with “any physical education class…” complete with the ellipsis to treat me like I’m some kind of dumbass. I’m just trying to make my full-time semesters a little bit less hectic, but you know, thank you for the ellipsis because that really helped me solve ALL OF MY PROBLEMS. 

(3) Being in grad school is just plain hard. Everyone else plays Pokemon Go in my class so I downloaded it and now they are all looking at me like I’m crazy because it’s almost like I copied them, which I basically did so that I could fit in better. Everyone is younger than me. Everyone has established possees and cliques and here I am just having moved here and having basically ZERO friends around and everyone looks at me like I have fourteen heads when I try to talk to them. Having to sit through 3 hours straight of math is hard enough but even harder when not a single person wants to be your friend and you work in groups every single class. 

So basically, so far, I’ve bought a lot of crap I didn’t need because I’m stressed out that my savings are gone because I had to pay for my classes out of pocket. I never said I was reasonable or intelligent guys. I tend to dig myself in humungous holes and wonder how I got down there to begin with.

I also am living with my grandmother which has taught me a few things:

(1) Old people are more popular than I can ever hope to be. And did you know that it is RUDE not to pick up the phone if you are in the middle of something? YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CALL PEOPLE BACK LATER. NO WAY!

(2) If your three-month-old kitten tries to steal your grandmother’s glasses, he is terrifying and we should all be afraid of him. But, we can’t kick him out of the room and put him in the hall way so he stops.

(3) For once, you’ll live with someone who drinks less water than you do. You’ll sound like a nagging biotch of a mother by how many times you harass your grandmother to drink water daily.

(4) It’s not acceptable to leave ANY of your stuff lying around the common areas. If you leave recyclable bottles anywhere except in the garage they will be put on the table in a huge pile and nobody will use their words to ask you to take care of anything.

(5) Things that literally are stupidly freaking hilarious like the fat that Siri’s favorite animal is a Tauntaun but only when it’s cold, are NOT FUNNY.

(6) It is more important to wash the kitchen floor by hand or to walk up and down the stairs to do your laundry than to breathe. Especially when someone else offers to help. Just. Say. NO.

(7) Your girl cat is suddenly a BOY and your boy cat is suddenly a GIRL. Boy cat is too skinny even though he is a baby!

(8) You will no longer be able to just do your own thing without giving a heavy detailed explanation before you leave the house.

(9) Things that used to take 5 minutes will take hours because your grandmother will not stop talking to you.

(10) If you tell someone that you’ve heard the same story from your grandmother 17 times (which is obviously an estimate but probably not an exaggeration) you will be the bad guy and be given dirty looks.

(11) If you tell your grandmother you are working a wedding on a Saturday, you told her Sunday. And by god you are confusing her on purpose because you obviously said the wrong day and she should have been recording you to prove her point.

(12) Donald Trump is making the republican party LOOK BAD!!!!

(12) Demi Lovato was wearing a horrible outfit on 4th of July and she looked like she was wearing her underwear.

(13) You now are completely (and might I add, repeatedly) familiar with the drama of your grandmother’s friend who lives down the road. And the drama of basically every other friend and family member who calls on the phone. Except you overhear the conversation, and then it gets told to you again 400 times after you overhear the phone conversation.

(14) Do people really wear short shorts?

(15) When your bra straps show, that is not acceptable.

(16) It is also not acceptable to offer to carry a fan downstairs for your grandmother.

(17) If you can lift the trash can without a dolly, you are superwoman.

(18) Grandmothers who have never tried pad thai become addicted to pad thai.

(19) Your collapsable blue outdoor chair your parents gave to your for your 27th birthday is the most important item that you own. Your roommates would have stolen it if you had not brought it to Massachusetts or probably claimed it as their own and not given it back.

(20) The bottoms of your pans are supposed to be shiny and beautiful. You’re just not supposed to use your pans to cook. People really buy non-stick pans too and then wonder why they look so dirty from things sticking to them.

(21) Your grandmother will suddenly realize one day that you’ve been living on your own for 5 years and it’s no wonder you came with so many of your own belongings.

(22) You will have a hard time keeping your stuff confined to one bedroom. Your grandmother will question when you put your stuff in another room only to realize that it’s actually her stuff and her stuff is IN YOUR ROOM.

(23) Every day you wear something new you will get a fashion critique whether you ask for it or not.

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lonely.

I’m tired of hearing that people are lonely and then using it as an excuse for doing stupid things. I have been basically single since August 2012 (except for that brief time where I was dating someone I really cared about for 3 months or so and it ended horribly). I have no sympathy for any of it anymore.

Being lonely is not a good excuse to hang out with your ex girlfriend at the expense of your own heart. Being lonely is not a good excuse to harass your other ex at his place of work and bring the first ex there to make him jealous. Try being actually single for a while without hanging out with any of your exes. Just try it.

Being lonely is not an excuse to make out with the guy your roommate has a crush on. You shouldn’t have ever even considered making out with someone else at that point since you were still hanging out with both of your ex girlfriends. Now you’ve lost the trust of everyone around you and hurt a really nice guy for no reason.

Being lonely is not a good excuse for sleeping with someone else when you’re already in a relationship. Don’t have your cake and eat it too. It’s beyond tacky. It’s the most selfish thing you can do and it affects multiple people in horrible ways all at the same time.

Being lonely is not a good excuse to get absolutely wasted and make a fool of yourself. Being lonely is not an excuse to act like a complete slut all of the time. Yes, people make some drunken mistakes, but to make them repeatedly and blame it on being lonely, it’s not okay.

I’ve experienced every single holiday for the past four years alone. I’ve witnessed several cousins and friends get married or engaged. I’ve seen people have babies. I’ve seen people fall in love in seconds and realize they’ve found their soulmate. I’ve spent so much time alone that I don’t recognize myself anymore, sometimes. I’ve felt lonely when I am around  the ones I love or in a crowd of people. I’ve felt lonely while watching tv in my own living room.

But, I’ve also made some pretty significant gains. I’ve begun to heal and actually listen to my body. Granted, it unfortunately ended up with me getting prescribed anti-depressants to help with everything that’s going on and trying an elimination diet for my IBS (I miss real yogurt so much!) but I’m working it out. Being lonely and single caused me to begin this blog a few years back and I’ve had one hell of a good time writing and interacting with everyone in the WordPress world.

Being lonely really helped me start thinking about the kind of career that I want. I realized I can have multiple careers. I can be a writer, a teacher, and eventually join academia with further degrees in teaching or some other related subject. I’m also beginning my master’s degree, finally, thanks to being lonely. I’ve run two 5ks while being lonely. I never even dreamed that I would enjoy running, let alone run long distances. I’ve adopted two absolutely adorable cats and they make me feel truly loved every single day.

So friends, be lonely. Feel the feels. Stop doing stupid things and using being lonely as an excuse. Being lonely should be a bridge to better things. Being lonely should be the fuel to firing up your life. We all experience pain at one point or another and it’s important to feel the pain as you need to, or you’re never going to be able to move forward with your life. So, do yoga or run the 5k. Experience loneliness from the comfort of your own home. Write, draw, drink the margarita without worrying about how many calories are in it. For god’s sake, being single can be the best times of your life. If you appreciate your loneliness, someday your soulmate will come along, and you will be ready. If you appreciate your loneliness, you won’t be sitting around waiting for someone; you will be the love of your own life.

update.

Needless to say, this year has been absolutely insane. I’m about ready for things to settle down, but I don’t think they will for a long time.

The good news is that after two months of worrying that I have cancer, my biopsy came back clean. When I finally heard the news, I almost burst into tears of happiness. Somehow I stayed strong even though I was worried I was going to die for two months, which was the time it took between scheduling an initial appointment with the gyno and the results finally coming back. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted them to do whatever necessary to save my life even if it was taking out my ovaries and making it so I could never have children again.

The good news is that I’m getting a new kitten next week. My baby girl will be getting her first fur-sibling. She’s been living with some fur-cousins but has not experienced actually sharing me with another pet before. I am excited to bring him home.

The great news is that I am going back to school. It’s finally happening. I am moving to Boston and getting my Master’s in Elementary Education. The timing is a little wonky and I had to turn down an amazing opportunity at Columbia due to affordability but I am excited that this program will only take about a year and then allow me to work as a teacher September 2017.

The bad news is I haven’t been writing. Like, at all. It’s pretty bad. I have all these ideas but I have spent so much time focusing on all the paper work for grad school and tying up all the loose ends that I keep forgetting to make time to read the blogs I follow and to write down my thoughts. I am getting back into it now.

The bad news is I have to move and I’ve lived in the same city since I graduated from college over 5 years ago. It’s extremely bitter sweet and there are so many people and places I am going to miss. I am going to be living with family for the next year so saying goodbye to my independence has been quite the struggle.

The bad news is that my roommate issues became neutral and then this past weekend she made out with the boy I like behind my back. And then my heart was snapped into a million pieces and I realized that bad people don’t deserve my time or effort. I can’t even begin to explain how many times I’ve been nice to her lately and how backstabbed I am feeling right now. Luckily my move out date is in less than a month.

The bad news is I have to say goodbye to my new job that literally saved my life this past year. When my old job was about to make me go off the deep end, this job popped up and made me want to be a teacher more than ever before. I met so many wonderful children and staff members at the school I’ve been working at and have had the opportunity to teach special ed math and literacy. I definitely want to try and come back in 2017 when I’m all done with school. We only have a few more weeks left before the school year ends and I am going to be extremely sad when I have my last day with the wonderful nuggets I have gotten this amazing opportunity to work with.

So there you have it… I’m sure I’ve forgotten something but I am looking forward to these next steps that I’m going to be taking. I’ve been taking a night class already so I’ve been commuting down to Boston once a week… and barely having any time to get my homework done or to write. I promise I’ll try to do better.

I’ll be back very, very soon. Love you all and thanks for reading.

summary.

So, let’s talk about what I’ve been up to lately. There are barely enough hours in the day to keep up with it all. I’ve been trying to be productive since 2016 started. I think I’ve done fairly well…

Within the past few months I:

  • Applied for my passport to be renewed
  • Finished my three grad school applications
  • Applied for my Ed Tech renewal, which I need for my current job
  • Signed up for the PRAXIS, and studied as hard as I could
  • Took the PRAXIS which took ALMOST FIVE HOURS
  • Paid $500 for my precious baby kitty to have a dental surgery/procedure
  • Found out my mom has a heart problem (on christmas day)
  • Seen my mom go through two heart procedures
  • Found out there are irregular cells on my pap smear and thought I was going to die from cancer
  • Had my cervix biopsied in two places and nearly fainted when I saw all of the blood
  • Visited all three potential grad schools
  • Got accepted to all three grad schools
  • Sprained my thumb really painfully at work
  • Wrote pages and pages in a journal but didn’t quite get to blogging a lot of it due to everything else
  • Been put on an anti-depressant for my anxiety
  • Pretty much been diagnosed with IBS by my new doctor
  • Barely gotten any financial aid from ANY of the grad schools
  • Have been put on an elimination diet to attempt to reduce all the stomach problems I’ve been suffering from (probably due to IBS & stress)
  • Have mostly stopped drinking ever since I was put on my new medication
  • Done everything to avoid my roommate who is making me miserable on a daily basis usually just by being around but also by doing verbally aggressive and passive aggressive things directly to me

So what I realized last night is that: my life is completely ridiculous and my mind is absolutely random but I still have a little bit of faith that maybe it will all work out. 

And it’s this ridiculously and randomness that keeps me writing as much as I can. Welcome to Random Ramblings, people.

timing.

It’s been eight years, almost nine. I met you at a time when college was just beginning and I listened solely to alternative rock music. One time, I logged onto your roommate’s computer and emailed myself a bunch of alternative rock songs that I didn’t have. He was so mad at you for letting me use your computer. I think we were all drunk. I still listen to some of the songs I sent myself on my iPod every once in a while. Your roommate didn’t really end up being friends with any of us after freshman year. He went on his own way with his girlfriend who eventually became his wife. He was afraid to talk to me since I was another girl and she got mad one time because I had written something stupid on the white board outside your bedroom door.

You had a girlfriend back home then, she was a senior in high school, and we were first semester freshman in college. I was infatuated with you. Obviously, you did not return the feelings then, as far as I know. I thought you were hilarious. I thought you were so handsome and I was so bummed that you had a girlfriend. Back then, there were a lot of guys that I hung out with as friends, so I eventually moved on to one of our friends. (I’ll write about him another time- it’s not a happy story). That didn’t last, obviously, because I am unlucky in both timing and love. You also moved off campus and at some point broke up with your girlfriend, but my feelings for you were not really there.

Sophomore year, you used to pick me up between my classes and take me to the park or on mini adventures. You had temporarily transferred to a community college nearby to take some classes you needed for your major and it was nice for me to get off campus every once in a while. It was fall. The weather is beautiful here, then. We were in the park near the mini house when you asked me if I would get pizza with you sometime. You brought it up the next time we hung out, after we had already finalized our plans, and you said “I am so excited for our date”.

I panicked, because that is obviously my nature. I also had two other guys who were interested in me at the same time and I picked the wrong one, like I usually do. We went on the date-that-I-didn’t-think-was-a-date. I was STARVING. You were really excited to show me this pizza place. I was mad. The pizza was the same as the pizza place where I worked back home and we waited something like an hour and a half or something crazy like that. It’s funny because now my other friends and I host a lot of birthdays at this particular pizza place and I am a big fan of their pizza. I think the problem was you made me wait over an hour for pizza that was exactly the same as the free pizza I had been eating all summer. And I already felt awkward enough because I just didn’t think of you that way anymore. You asked if you could sleep over and I made you stay with our friend. I didn’t want to give you the wrong idea. But you are a good man.

My feelings for you in the recent past have always been fleeting. Or you’ve been in relationships. Or I’ve been in a horrific relationship for years and we’ve lost touch and then when we hang out it’s like we never stopped hanging out. Our timing is quite horrible. Our timing could use some work. Most recently, you were in a relationship and I was single, as I have mostly been for the past four years or so, and you were looking at me like no one else has ever looked at me but you were still dancing with your girlfriend. It was santacon. We were all super drunk. Your friends started telling my friends that you were miserably in love with me and were always fighting with your girlfriend because of it. You guys eventually broke up. And that brings us to now. I’ve been waiting for you to heal before I decide anything. I obviously have a lot of my own potential changes going on right now. But you decided to move away. Like eight hours away or something crazy like that.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out how I went from trying not to make eye contact with you at santacon to this present moment where I am praying you text me back or that I might get to see you before you move on Saturday. I haven’t always been the kindest person towards you, I haven’t always made the best decisions regarding you but I thought we had more time.

You show up early to my Halloween party just to help, you ditch your friends just to come hang out at the bar where I am, you say the stupidest things but always manage to make me laugh, you’re kind, and you’re forgiving. You were with me during one of my most horrible moments, where I wanted to die, and you said “I hope you don’t hate me after this”, like it was your fault. My mental health problems are not your fault, and they will never be. I wish I could tell you that, but I am way too chicken. We didn’t speak for a year because of that time. I think we kissed but I honestly was in such a low place and drank too much on an empty stomach so I can’t remember what is real and what is fake. I know I drove home and you were crying because you didn’t want me to hurt myself. When we finally started talking again you acted like I was so fragile, but I am not fragile anymore.

I want you to know the amount I have been burned is nothing you could ever imagine. The struggles I have dealt with lately are probably not even comprehendible to you. I am trying every day, despite all my struggles. I am finally trying to face the next challenge in my life, and I keep avoiding all the things that are hard. I am glad you’re back in my life, but I am devastated that you’re moving so far away.

roommates.

I haven’t been writing on here lately. I have been writing in a journal but I have been so busy that I haven’t had time to actually fabricate a blog post lately. For those who want to read more, I will be completing a post (or two) soon about all the challenges, achievements, stresses, and health problems I have been having lately.

Today I write a post about something that is gravely affecting me in all areas of my home life. My home is no longer a safe place where I feel welcome. My home is full of tension and anger. I have lived in this home for almost two years and it has not always felt this way. In fact, I used to work really hard to make it homey and welcoming. I used to have other roommates who were pleasant to live with and who remain some of my best friends to this day. I lived alone for two months with one of my current roommates and that was peaceful bliss compared to what it used to be. I do my absolute best to be respectful of the roommates who live here at any given time.

I am writing today since I am at a loss for what to do. I feel like I am pretty close to either exploding or possibly losing it completely, or both. I have spoken to my landlord, my parents, my grandmother, my male roommate, my coworkers, and pretty much every single one of my friends about the issues at hand. I have tried to speak with the problem person but that person becomes agitated with me and ends up being very belittling, aggressive, and insulting.

I guess you could say it started the moment she moved in. Her boyfriend didn’t technically have a place to live for the first month, so he was always here. I minded but also accepted that it was a temporary situation and that he would be getting his own place. He was always here and waiting for her in his car when I got home from work so I would often let him in. At some point, she made boyfriend a key. Boyfriend began to come and go as he pleased. Then, there were multiple fights that were being had at 1 or 2 or 3 (on weeknights) in the morning when I have to get up at 6:30ish for work. There was a lot of door slamming. It began to be a huge issue for me. My insomnia began to spiral. I tried to drop several hints about how I desperately need my rest for my job. I confronted him during one time because all you could hear was “Mike stop!” and it was 3 am. I told him to stop whatever he was doing or leave and he began to insult me. I told him no way, not in my own home. They didn’t fight for a while after that, but it wasn’t long before I was awoken by yet another fight or slamming of the doors.

They seem to forget that the front door is right next to my head. They seem to forget how to shut it quietly and my male roommate has recently told me that every time they slam the door, it makes his bed shake and his dog begins to get upset anytime they are yelling. Speaking of the pets, there was one time where boyfriend left the back door open in the middle of their fight and took off. We have three pets and it was the middle of the winter. I was beyond furious. The next morning when boyfriend was back and his car was blocking me in I verbally asked her for a break. It took 30+ minutes for me to get her to wake up and I was trying to leave to give my friend a ride. She decided that it is okay to block someone in and then lock their keys inside the room with you and not answer when someone knocks. I told her that I needed a break from boyfriend and was not quite sure why his car was even in the driveway. She began to yell at me and say that it was just a car, acting like the car was the only major issue. I explained how my male roommate and I leave our keys on the hooks so that the cars can get shuffled around if need be. She continued to say insulting things and I continued to exclaim that she doesn’t listen to a word I say. At that point I really did feel like she wasn’t even listening to me. We had spent hours that morning consoling her about all the horrible things boyfriend said and did. We went to bed after 3 am. Boyfriends car was in the driveway at 1 PM the next day. That means not even 12 hours had passed before they had made up. When I told her I was LIVID about the door being left open as a reason for why I needed a break from boyfriend being there all the time she told me that I would need to talk to her boyfriend about that. I did some yelling. She threatened to move out and I said good if that’s they way you want to solve this. And I walked out.

I wish that was the end of everything. Obviously things have been tense since that. Obviously I have had a lot of things going on lately that I need to tell people about. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my room avoiding the common areas that I pay to have access to. There are a lot of little things that are adding to the stress: female roommate does not clean, female roommate and boyfriend leave huge messes in the kitchen and get pissed off at me if I leave anything anywhere that they don’t like it, female roommate moves our stuff around all the time but still has multiple unpacked boxes in the dining room, we can’t even use the dining room table because female roommate has decided that is where a HUGE poisonous plant is supposed to live (poisonous to BOTH cats AND dogs), female roommate blew up at me when I cleaned the dining room for my Halloween party (which in turn the next day she blew up at me about the same thing AGAIN via text and I was so upset that I cried all night and had to stay at a friend’s apartment because I felt like I wasn’t welcome in my own home), female roommate has called me names and told me I don’t clean up after myself in very insulting ways, boyfriend lives here and does his laundry here and doesn’t contribute either, female roommate called me loud but I go to bed at 10:30 pm and never can fall asleep because they think that it’s okay to make noise when they want to stay up late, and last but not least female roommate has alluded that boyfriend is abusive and they constantly break up and seek sympathy from the outside world and then get back together and then fight over stupid things like spoons (I wish I had made the spoon thing up- it really did happen). Female roommate also decided that when I pointed out to her that she is in DIRECT violation of the guest policy that it was okay to ignore what I said and boyfriend has basically been living here ever since. There was one month or so where they didn’t stay here but constantly came and went to do their laundry.

Most recently roommate got her own separate clynk account for bottle returns even though she knows full well that we have a home account that I use to buy toilet paper and a whole host of other items for the house. I decided to add fuel to the fire since she was already furious and being super rude when I asked her why she had a separate account. I told her what the past three months of utilities were which I had been avoiding asking her for (1) because frankly I’ve had much more important things going on and (2) anytime I’ve texted her lately it has been horrific and adds more stress to my already stressed out life. She complained about me not asking her for money before and that she had been gone for a month and was not paying that month. I told her she would pay all utilities and was lucky to not be paying half since boyfriend is always here. She flipped out at me and that conversation didn’t go anywhere because I put my phone in my bag and proceeded to focus on the more fun things that I was doing.

I seriously wish I was done. Things are OBVIOUSLY even more tense now that we had that clinic/utilities text battle, but the good part is that it was in a group chat so male roommate can see how awful female roommate is to me (I mean he obviously already believed me and tells me he’s on the same page as me) but it was good for him to see it in person. I wish I was making the next part up. I had easter today with my family. I got back and unpacked my bags and then went in the kitchen to call my dad back and make a cup of tea. She came in, I don’t even know why, I didn’t see her grab anything or whatever. I just stood in front of the stove quietly talking to my dad and then she turned the light off on me. I yelled “seriously female roommate” and she told me “I don’t know what you’re freaking out about.” and then proceeded to walk into the living room and sit on the couch and probably whisper to boyfriend about me. HOW DOES SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY SHUT OFF A LIGHT? HOW DOES SOMEONE NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THAT? WHO DOES THAT? I am just at the point where I want her to move out right now and I don’t even care. If she does not pay me the utilities I will force the landlord to get involved but he has been very hands off even though I told him she was breaking the guest policy and had made boyfriend a key without anyone’s permission.

I don’t know what to do people. I am sorry it was such a long explanation. I’m sure I forgot something. Our lease ends in two months. I don’t know if I will be able to make it. I can’t possibly talk about this anymore to any of my friends than I already have. I can’t possibly come up with any solutions since she is not open to hearing anyone’s suggestions or criticisms. I accidentally locked her out of the house once when everyone was home and she has not let me forget it and brings it up anytime we argue. We used to be close friends but the more problems we have as roommates the less I want to have anything to do with her. It’s pathetic how selfish she is. It’s pathetic that a 33 year old man crashes at his girlfriend’s house 24/7. I literally think he is here more than I am. I actually have a life and try and get out and do things. Female roommate was mad at me one time because it was 1 am on a weeknight and I told her to be quiet. She told me that I was loud at 2 pm on a Sunday and that we have “different schedules”. I want to point out that I was cleaning the bathroom. I used to get up at 10 am or so on Saturdays or Sundays to clean. I’m not allowed to do that anymore. I’ve stopped cleaning as much and obviously the house is a mess.

What would you do? Has anyone ever had an experience like this? I’ve had small problems with some of my past roommates but all were fixable and the people who I needed to listen always did. What do I do people? I have nightmares about this constantly. I sleep maybe 3 hours a night. I dread coming home after work when I know female roommate or boyfriend is already here. I cook and clean my dinner as fast as I can and I don’t spend time in the common areas unless my male roommate is too. I can’t even make this stuff up.

Someone turned a light off on me on purpose tonight.

The Waiter.

I am now going to tell you about how stupid I was around seven years ago. When I was a sophomore in college, I went home for winter break to stay at my parents’ house. My singleness was ambiguous and unknown at that time. My boyfriend at the time wasn’t speaking to me and then ended up dumping me. In the midst of all that drama, I met The Waiter.

(Side note: The Waiter actually recently contacted me and I stupidly gave him my phone number when I was trying to figure out what the hell he wanted. He ended up wanting to meet up, and then wouldn’t leave me alone for days and days. I ignored him a lot. I was very slow to respond to his messages and he would not take a hint. I was like dude it’s been seven years leave me the hell alone, in my head, but I also didn’t want to be mean or rude. That just isn’t me, unless it’s absolutely necessary, then the inner bitch in me comes out. A lot of things have happened to me since I dated The Waiter and we were actually on speaking terms. Lots of dark and horrible things that there was no way of explaining to him. So eventually he stopped calling. I think he figured out that us meeting up wasn’t going to happen. I might message him in a few months and check in but I am definitely not interested in seeing him or talking every day.)

I met The Waiter when I went back to work at the restaurant that winter. He was cute, he was new, and he was something resembling a bad boy. He smoked a lot of pot and cigarettes, and I did neither of those things. He enjoyed driving his car really fast while I prefer to go the speed limit, comfortably. He and I did that whole long distance thing for the rest of the school year after I went back up. We had some good times but were very different and the long distance was really hard.

I moved back home for the summer and we kept dating. We both worked at the restaurant together. I wanted to keep our relationship a secret from everyone at work but he had already told everyone, including the managers. Shit was awkward. We were very different, like I just said. When I tried pot for him, trying to keep him interested (yes, very intelligent plan, I know. I was 19 and that was the only time I’ve ever tried pot guys, come on), he dumped me. We stayed broken up for a few weeks but he didn’t give me any space outside of work and I saw him almost every day at work. We ended up back together before summer ended, against my better judgement.

I know you’re clearly thinking that I make some pretty great choices, right? Eventually, The Waiter dumped me again after I went back to school and we did the whole long distance thing, again, even though we already knew that we absolutely hated it. We tried, anyways. It didn’t last long before The Waiter informed me of what we already know: that we are two very different people. He then proceeded to break my heart, again.

Months later, The Waiter basically admitted that he always cheats when in a long-distance relationship so I’m assuming that means he cheated on me, too. It took a long time for me to get over the fact that The Waiter had dumped me twice. I was so mad the second time because he told me he was going to become a tattoo artist and that was one of the reasons we couldn’t be together. That was insulting. I’d never seen the kid draw or make any kind of art. I was shocked. I was absolutely baffled. It made no sense to me. The break-up that time was permanent, thank god. It  helps when you don’t have to see your ex-boyfriend every single day at work. Don’t date coworkers. I can’t stress it enough. I recommend shitting elsewhere. Also, the long distance thing should really be avoided, too.

I just wanted to inform you that The Waiter ended up working in airport security as a TSA shortly after we broke up (instead of becoming a tattoo artist). He recently informed me that he is now a barber and doesn’t work at the airport anymore. I shit you not. The boy that was so adamant that he was going to become a tattoo artist wants to open his own salon. I’m all for chasing your dreams but for someone who drives his car around like a maniac and smokes a lot of pot, a job as a barber makes little sense to me. I find it highly amusing.

Seven years later and he was just as annoying as ever, kind of like when he broke up with me the first time. He would not stop calling me night after night for like a week straight and sending me multiple text messages if I didn’t respond right away. It’s so easy to see why young, naive me was sucked into his cycle several times: he’s wicked persistent! Back then I would have found it flattering, and I obviously did, because I fell for it several times. Now, I’m just a bitch. I don’t respond when I don’t feel like responding and I’ll ignore the shit out of people’s calls, no matter who they are. I was okay with catching up with The Waiter but as soon as he began to want to make plans I was like kthanksbye. Seven-years-later-me is rough and hard, and doesn’t really cry. I sobbed both times The Waiter broke up with me and developed my thyroid and insomnia issues that summer due to all the stress he put me under.

I am so glad that I am not as much of an idiot anymore. I can honestly say that guys who text me too much give me weird feelings now, and not a good weird. I’ve had too many guys who, at first, acted like they were super obsessed and then randomly dropped off the face of the earth. I’m wary of all of you fools.

 

 

exhaustion.

I’ve probably already written a post at some point that was titled “exhaustion” but it’s what I’m feeling today, so here we go.

I’m like a boat lost at sea right now. The tide is permanently too low so that means I can almost get to shore, but I can’t quite dock myself. I’ve been trying to force myself to be more productive lately, but the more I push myself, the more exhausted I feel. I can’t seem to get myself all the way there, towards a moment of balance.

I bought a fit bit the other day, on a whim, and it simply confirmed what I already have known for years: I struggle with sleep. I struggle with staying asleep, I struggle with falling asleep, I struggle with waking up in the morning. I was restless for the past night (thank you fit bit) for a total of 20 minutes. I am seeing a new doctor on Monday, so that is something I guess I will have to bring up. Of course, now I have the data on my fit bit to show her for good measure.

The things people have been doing have just been insulting me lately to the point that I just want to break down and cry. Someone says something in an off way and I am in my “seeing red” zone and can’t come back from it. Someone chooses someone else over me and I feel my heart shattering into a million pieces and that feeling doesn’t seem to want to go away. It lingers every day eating at me, when I know that other people are the ones who make their own choices. Knowing that they didn’t mean to doesn’t make me feel any better. It just makes me wish that people could be kinder to one another.

I don’t need people to point out that I am single. I am well aware. I already feel like an awkward, blundering idiot most of the time and I don’t need anyone else’s help to feel that way. I feel awkward and ugly in my own skin, especially when I can’t seem to get rid of the never-ending skin problems that seem to follow me around like a magnet. I don’t need anyone to make me feel uncomfortable, because I already feel that way all on my own.

I see people who are always doing things with their significant other and appear to have these healthy relationships and a part of me just completely snaps. Social media absolutely sucks when you’re single. I throw myself out there as best as I can when I find someone I am attracted to and it never seems to work out. The guys I like just don’t seem to be attracted to me. That makes me feel worse about myself. So no, I don’t need anyone’s help to feel alone. I am alone.

And the fact that I am always tired makes it that much harder to work on being less alone. It makes me want to sit in my room by myself and not come out until the next day when I have to go to work. It makes me turn down people asking me to do things  on weeknights because I don’t even think I could mentally handle it. I tried yoga and going to the gym this week and then I was also physically exhausted, on top of everything else.

The only time I felt okay this entire week was when I sat down last night and made a painting. Other than that, I have felt like I was on the verge of tears the entire week. But for those of you who read my blog semi-regularly, you’ll know that crying for me is very difficult, if not impossible.

Readers please, think before you speak. Absolutely think before you text since editing is a luxury that comes with that. Remember that others are fighting their own battles, 24/7, and they don’t need to fight one with your words, too. Remember who’s important to you and make them a priority. Listen to what they have to say. Sometimes being there for someone is the best thing you can do for them.

 

Disheveled.

On the outside, I may put on this appearance, this facade, of being completely put together. Inside, I am a hot, disheveled mess. Outside, I am on time (barely) to work and I am organized and calm.

Inside, I am ambivalent. Inside, I am a screaming, destructible mess. I have so many fears, so many anxieties. When something good happens, I feel it as stress and not the good thing that I am supposed to feel. Why don’t good things feel good to me? I’ll never be able to figure it out. I still wonder, though, if I will ever feel a good thing the way it’s supposed to be felt.

The guy I find cute not responding to my messages is a flat out he’s not interested. My friends tell me that I am wrong and that he probably doesn’t check his social media that much. But I just know that he’s not interested. I know that he isn’t going to message me back. I know that my fantasies of going on a first date with him, are, just that. Fantasies.

The good news I got delivered today is how am I going to be able to afford all these changes and how the hell would I even go about pulling it off. I don’t think I can even handle any of it. I wish I could wake up in the morning and actually want to get out of bed. In reality, it takes three separate alarms going off every nine minutes for almost an hour. It takes countless pushes of the snooze button on my phone and then a panic that I might be late for me to actually get out of bed. I barely make it on time to work. It’s not like I want to be late, it’s the inevitability. It’s the absolute inability to get up. I can’t figure out how to change it.

I am usually so exhausted from my insomnia that it takes hours for me to wake up in the morning. Due to a thyroid condition, I am allotted one coffee per day and that’s what I use to wake me up after a 30 minute shower. I am barely functional when I arrive at work. If one of my kids displayed any behaviors, I would be at my weakest. It’s lucky they haven’t figured this out yet. I don’t wake up until after the combination of my 11:00 lunch break and my hour-long recess duty from 12:00 to 1:00.

I don’t stay awake after I fall asleep. I am haunted by weird dreams of people that I am afraid of that I just want to forget. I wake up 500 times a night in a complete panic that something is wrong or that I’ve forgotten something. I dream of people I love dying and have to spend an hour when I wake up in the middle of the night convincing myself that it was just a dream because it felt so real. I have constant, cycling and repeating dreams, of being alone forever.

I have never been a morning person but the older I get, waking up seems to become more and more of a struggle. Falling asleep and staying asleep is harder than ever before. Being mentally present is even harder.

I don’t know why I feel smothered by this absolutely stifling insignificance. I have dreams. I have goals. I have places I would love to go travel. When things seem to be getting better, I am met by humongous walls of anxiety and I don’t know if I have it in me to climb them.

 

Empower

Empower yourself. Feel the force within you and use it to drive every fiber of your being. Seize the moment and run.

Your muscles may shake and it may be hard to breathe. As far as anyone knows, we only get one life. We only get one chance at being. If you don’t live it to its fullest, it will be gone.

Do not let yourself lose all that this beautiful world has to offer you. Breathe through the pain, take deeper breaths when you can’t help but worry if you have anything left. You have it. It’s there inside of you.

You are the luckiest person in this world, don’t you know? The rain may come down on your face, but instead of being upset, realize the rain is there to help you cool off while you run. The muscles shake but it is simply happening to warn you that you are still alive. You may feel the stab of betrayal when your heart breaks, but it is only to warn you that they weren’t worth it to begin with.

You may send a text message and get such an unclear response so then you finally feel like you are at peace. All of this is okay. It is pointing out that the only person who can empower you, is you. You have to be the one to write the emails, to take the risks, to speak your mind, and to let go. You are the only one who can take a chance for yourself. No one else can do that except you.

Empower yourself to realize that you are it. You are your only chance and when you meet other great people along the way, it is simple luck. You are lucky to have your friends and your family. The only person who can run that extra mile, unfortunately, is you. You might as well begin to accept it because that is the only time that change might actually happen.