Jealousy.

I can’t help but feel this unmistakable pang of jealousy whenever you’re around.
I dread when I have to see you.
I absolutely dread it.
You’ve done everything right, it seems.
You’ve made all the right choices.
Most days I feel stuck, you know.
I didn’t get to end up with my college sweetheart.
I don’t own my own home.
I never get to go on vacations.
I can’t remember the last time I travelled that wasn’t
for a wedding or a funeral.
I don’t have my dream job, and I don’t even know what that is.

I hurt every time I am around you both.
I panic.
I am absolutely in a panic.
I run to the mall, I buy everything.
Sometimes I feel like if I am more like you
then I will feel less uncomfortable
in my own skin.

Of course I want to travel
Of course I want to celebrate anniversaries with someone
Of course I have hopes and dreams and expectations just like you
but I am overcome with anxiety. Insomnia. Depression.
Never-ending waves of fear.
I want to move mountains but getting there seems to be the problem.
I get more and more stuck the more time goes by.

I want to not just be happy, I want to grow.
I want to live a life that means something
and I want someone to be there with me along the way.
Most of all, I want to be able to do it alone
but to stop feeling so alone
at the same time.

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urges.

I woke up
in the middle of then night
ready to take flight
ready for a fight
ready to have you
hold me in your
enveloping arms

you weren’t even here
that was just a dream
you aren’t anywhere
anywhere close
or anywhere
nearby

I then have
the sudden urge
to contact you
to check up on you
people who are in my dreams
randomly like that
sometimes aren’t okay

but you’re not my responsibility
anymore
you never were
simply because you
never wanted to be

it doesn’t matter
how much I care about you
how much I cared for you
how much I would have done
anything to be with you

it doesn’t feel right
still
after all of this time
why are you in my head
get out of my head

if I look back
I can see you
if I look forward
it’s unclear
I’m fighting uncertainty
I can never
undo what you’ve done

my urges
will get me nowhere
it doesn’t matter
whether you’re okay
whether you want me
whether you’ve moved on
to another
my urges
will cause nothing
to happen
will prevent nothing
from happening

I could be the prettiest girl
in the whole wide world
waving myself around
right in front of you
and it wouldn’t make
any difference

I know that you’re gone
I know it
but I don’t feel it
I think I might be
losing my mind
the only thing
I can do
is fight
All I can do
is fight you away

spark.

I can’t help but wonder
I can’t help but contemplate
I seem to have met you
And it felt like it was fate.

I don’t know what that was
a spark?
or sheer desperation
in the blink of an eye
everything completely changes

you meet someone
exceptional
you meet someone
new
and a spark begins to twinkle
deep inside of you

your whole life changes
everything flashes
in the dark night’s sky
then, poof
like a spark
disappearing carelessly
in the wind.
it is gone.

I did not know
meeting you
would give me
the long lost hope
I sought so
carelessly
so desperately
to get back in my life.

the spark
might only be
my imagination
but it is from
the same place
that might end up
giving me
hope, again.

wasting.

wasting away.
countless opportunities lost.
timeless memories
out of your grasp.

holding tight
never letting go
only to find that
there was nothing there
worth holding onto
in the very first place.

dependable friends
everlasting loyalty
silent dreams.
it’s so close
yet so
very far away.

whispering into the night
screaming into your pillow
wasting your time
wasting your breath
forgetting
what it means
to be alive.

people.

People berate you
and hate you without even knowing anything about you.
People love you, and lie to you,
and only put in just the amount of effort that they have to.
People are late, people make excuses,
but some people die for you.
People will lie for you,
they will steal from you,
and sometimes they will believe in you.
People will hug you,
people will hold you until you can’t breathe,
people will make you blue.
People defend you, people will make pretend,
people will hurt you.
People will never try enough, people will push you too hard,
people really fuck up.
People never open up enough, people refuse to let go,
people stay true to themselves.
People destroy you,
without even thinking about you.
Some people don’t think about anyone else
but themselves.
Some people care too much
and some care not even a little bit,
not even at all.

timeless.

Broken,
Timeless.
Straining those
invisible wings.
The sacrifices
You’ve made
for everything.

The mistakes you forge
The bridges you burn
The rewards are small
The lessons you’ll learn.

The rewards are small.
The pain is insurmountable.
Unavoidable
that’s life
they tell you
that’s how it goes.
Time is the world’s
only healer.

You can be
invincible.
You can be
indescribable.
You can be
the only one
in the end.

There is only one ruler
of your life.
Please
I pray
to God
to any higher power.
Let it be you.
Let you choose your destiny.

Let the light rain in
let the storm pass.
Enjoy the climb.
Enjoy your life.

you2.

I want to walk to the edge of the earth with you.
I want to feel your gaze from across the room
and know
that it’s only meant for me
and nobody else.
I want to feel free with you.
I want to stare into your eyes
with no purpose
no reasoning.

I want to waste time with you
because wasting time with you
wouldn’t actually be wasting
any time at all.
I would have done anything
to be with you
one last time.
I would have done anything
to make that last time
last forever.

Far away
on a steep plateau
of hopes, and wisdom, and forgetfulness
there was you.
I was calling your name
encouraging you to do your best.
The only person who could make
you do your best
was you.
Is still you.
Will always be you.

If I don’t go to the edge
of the earth
with you by my side
then I will have to carry
myself to get there
alone.

You can’t make people
see things the way you see them
you can just surround yourself
with people
who already see things
the way you do.

you.

what little we really have.
we can buy so many things.
those are just objects.
do they really bring you true joy?
of course not.

it is all about comfort.
the comfort is temporary.
the pain is endless.
the relief feels insignificant.
your body feels the stress.
your heart slowly dies.

your mind is racing.
you’re fantasizing.
you’re dreaming.
you’re wishing.
insurmountable obstacles.
it feels like you’re drowning.
unachievable emotions.

how do they get there?
how do they have happiness?
it could be an illusion
you know.
it could just be a falsehood
you know.
it would be a catastrophe
if you spent
your whole life
wanting to be them.
when you could be you.

air.

The feeling in your lungs.
The sun beating down gently on your skin.
The pain in your mind, gone.
The pain in your heart, at peace.
Following your dreams piece by piece,
layer by layer.
One step at a time.
Breathing in the air all around you.
Breathing in the hope that surrounds you.
Breathing in the pain and finally
letting it go.
Dreaming of a new tomorrow.
Taking in your breath to make it more
powerful.
To make it more
unique.
Your air.
The air in your lungs belongs
only to you.
No one can take that
away from you.

pain.

If I could write you a song
to take away all your pain
I try my best
to alleviate your pain
but in the end
it would all be the same.

I could capture the stars,
I could fly to the moon,
I could keep you safe
from your immediate
impending doom.

I could write you a letter
I could write you a poem
but in the end,
I’ll end up alone.

I don’t have the words
I just have the fear
I have my heart breaking
until something appears

I’m waiting and wishing
praying, hoping, missing
all that is lost
all that is pain
all that is shame
It will never be the same