21.

It has been 21 excruciating days since you smashed my soul into a billion tiny little pieces. You did this without thinking about the consequences, without planning for the future, because you thought it was the right decision, right now.

21 days where I have been so lost that I don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning, but I do it because I have to. 21 beyond painful days where I have had to pretend that everything was fine at thanksgiving, because it’s not.

What is that saying, you don’t destroy the people who you love. You say that you don’t love me, which is a lie, and we both know it is. You lie and say you’ll work on things, but you don’t.

You don’t work on things until you’ve told me ‘you never say never’ but you’re now getting the help that I asked you to get 2+ months ago. And you’re doing it at my expense. Because you destroyed me. And you’ve given me what feels like false hope, but I care for you so much I am hanging on to the tiny little piece where this could truly be that break you talked about; or it could truly be that one exception to the never-rule.

What did I do deserve this pain? I waited for nearly 6 years, minding my own business, and then you came along and made me think that all my waiting had been worth it. Yes, our relationship wasn’t perfect, but no one’s is. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

That’s why I’m so frustrated and tried so hard to fix this an explain to you that it isn’t black and white, but it is also not time to just simply give up. You’re clearly depressed. Hell, I’m depressed, after this shit hole of a year, it’s so hard not to be. And one thing that was getting me through this was the prospect of it all getting better, and that you’d be by my side when that all came true.

I’ve had enough heartache to last a life time. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being the only single one at family functions and weddings, and even just at the supermarket. I’m tired of thinking of you minute after minute, wondering what you are doing. I want to tell you about all the things that have happened in the past 21 days.

For example, one day, I realized one of the cats had shit in my bed. I don’t know when it happened and it was such a tiny amount of shit, but I freaked out and was stripping my entire bed and myself down after 10 pm at night when I had tried so hard to actually go to bed for once.

Tonight we went out to dinner for my dad’s 60th birthday, and you missed it. We went to that restaurant we went to with my family that one time, I think it was for my birthday or maybe my brother’s birthday? I don’t even remember. I bet you’d remember, but I can even ask you.

I lost my apartment that I was so excited about, which is probably better since it was 5 minutes away from where you live.

And next week, my mom is having a heart procedure called a cardiac ablation. Basically they go up through her groin and shock parts of her heart to try and get it back into a regular rhythm. I’m afraid I could lose my mom, which is probably highly illogical, but you know, since I suffer from anxiety, logic has never really truly been my thing.

21 days and you still can’t give me an answer if this is permanent or not. 21 days that my soul has suffered and I have tortured myself to not talk to you. I’ve caved 3 times. We used to talk every single day, except when I was being a dick and I was mad at you. I wish that this was just a really horrible dream and I could just wake up already.

But reality is one cold hearted bitch.