I don’t even know where to start. The past year has been one of the loneliest, cruelest years that I can remember. They tell you grad school will be difficult, but they don’t tell you exactly how. With no financial aid, whatsoever, I made it. I have to take one more licensure exam that I missed by 3 points… But I’m nearly there, and after all that, I might not have a teaching job to help pay all of my bills this fall. I might have to settle for a teaching assistant job since the state has not finished processing my paperwork… even though it was sent in June.
Spring 2017 was an extremely rough semester for me. I didn’t think anything could top this Fall where I took 19 credits and worked 4 days a week. But my first student teaching placement was horrible. I have never been in an environment where my anxiety was so provoked (except maybe the doctor’s office). I cried more in those first few months than I have cried in the past 5 years. As someone who really doesn’t cry often, this was incredibly terrible. I eventually moved to a new placement, but it cost me all the hard work I had already put in, and starting over from scratch.
On June 12th, I began my takeover week at my new placement. It was a much better fit and I left feeling successful after that first day. The next morning, I continued my takeover week and was having a great day. At one point, I felt the need to check my phone for some reason. My mother had left a voicemail. In the transcription I read the words “grandmother. important. call me back.”
On June 13th around 7 am I lost the most influential person in my life. My 90-year-old grandmother lost her long fight to congenital heart failure.
I don’t even have the words to describe how I am feeling. All I know is that it just doesn’t feel real and that I am completely lost. I’m glad she didn’t suffer for very long (she fell and broke her pelvis not even a month before she passed). I feel guilty that I didn’t spend more time with her this past year since I was so consumed by grad school. I’m glad my cats were here to keep her company, but I could have done more.
I didn’t do enough.