Ignore me.

Does anyone really feel as messed up as I do right now? I feel like I need to burst. I feel like I need to do everything in my power to push him away. Is that normal? I feel like it’s not.

After months of being ignored or brushed off by my horrible ex boyfriend, I can’t help but lose my mind when someone who supposedly likes me doesn’t make any effort to talk to me. The reasons have ranged from they don’t actually like me to they are engaged in a football game. Whatever the reason, I always spiral out of control whenever I feel ignored.

By friends, by family, and a thousand times over by boys I like. I will absolutely give up if they don’t talk to me very much. I want to give up whenever I don’t hear from them. I really want to give up. And I have to fight myself.

It’s not normal to feel like this, self. It’s normal for people to be busy. You probably like each other just the same amount. Nope, I like him way more, self. I need to end this before I get too attached. I need to push him away. I need to take my space and be myself again. This means I clearly can’t handle simply liking someone, so why would I be even remotely able to be in a relationship with him? I’m going to scare him away soon anyways, I might as well just consciously do it.

So I push. And I push. And I hope that something frees me from my inner turmoil. And I know most likely it’s going to be me pushing you away when I really do like you. And I think you really do like me too. But I can’t handle being ignored. And I don’t know how to tell you about that because you don’t suffer from anxiety and you don’t really get what it takes for me to get out of bed in the morning. And you don’t really understand that every day is a struggle and there are simple things you can do to help.

Because I don’t want to seem desperate or needy or annoying. I don’t want to force you to talk to me when I’m not sure you even want to. Part of me wonders if you are waiting for me to text you. Do you feel this constant pain that I feel?

I’m not ready to talk about the horrible things that happened to me. I’m not ready to tell you about what he did. What I put up with. What it did to me. I want you to see me as unbroken as you possibly can for the longest amount of time that you possibly can.

But let’s be honest here. I am broken.

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