Conflicted

I know I haven’t been around here lately. I feel really guilty about it, but there’s nothing I can do. I have been through so much in the past two months, I don’t even know what I can say… and besides, I need to make a rant so that maybe I can stop obsessing about something.

For starters, grad school has been nothing but a huge financial burden. I got a job at a retail store nearby because my program didn’t give me any sort of aid other than loans. And the loans they give you don’t cover the total amount, and so then you have to take out even more loans. Like people, I am going to be a teacher, not a billionaire, come on. Jack up the tuition for MBAs and Engineers, but I am getting a Master’s in Teaching.

Anyways, so that has been an absolute nightmare, come to find out anytime I take out a loan they just keep applying half of it to next semester, and they didn’t tell me this for months. I’m taking WAY less credits next semester, too. So I’m going to be absolutely broke at the end of all of this because they don’t listen and they aren’t helpful at the financial aid office.

My cat has also been sick 😦 there was what looked like a huge growth on her chin, which turned out to be a pimple. Kitty acne guys! Except it won’t go away and we’ve been to the vet twice (almost $400 later). And then my car was making this weird squeaking noise and it turned out that it needed $840 of work…So needless to say, I have like no money left. None.

And I’m working about 26 hours a week and taking 19 credits. I’m basically not a person anymore and don’t have time to do the normal things that people do like watching tv or vacuuming their rooms. I eat a lot of take out food and a lot of microwavable meals. I am losing weight like it’s nobody’s business. I barely write. I barely smile.

Grad school has taken my soul hostage and left me as a robot. I’m serious guys. The way my schedule is right now I don’t have a single day off. And I can’t afford to get rid of any of my shifts at work because I already am basically in the negative anyways, even though I work 4 shifts a week. So, thank you all the sacrifices that I made. Moving away from all my friends, quitting a new job that I actually liked, and moving in with my grandmother for $200 rent and basically giving up my independence and every semblance of the person I used to be. I hope that it’s freaking worth it in the end.

——
I guess that was rant part one. Now here we go. As if all that crap wasn’t enough, the cute guy in my math class had to go and make me like him. I’m so disappointed in myself because it feels like this always happens. And then I get so so lost because I don’t know which way is up.

We were table buddies in math but always ended up chatting after class or what not. I thought he was cute on the first day of class all those weeks ago, and I obviously kept it to myself. He actually seems like a pretty nice guy, but is coming from an extreme career change as he was a statistics writer for a sports magazine and is now getting his master’s in Special Education, which honestly just made me like him even more. He’s from Long Island, and is very Italian, kind of on the short side, but is really sweet. He’s calm and gets his work done ahead of time.

Then there’s me. Anxiety is through the roof right now. IBS. Insomnia. Family issues. Pet issues. Financial issues. Time management issues. Always working issues. Lack of stability and independence and what not issues. Anyways, we had a math quiz a few weeks ago and I created a google doc for our group to study with. So I got his email! I was so proud of myself (ha ha). We emailed back and forth a lot after the quiz. I think it was like 99 times or something ridiculous. I then just gave him my number and he emailed me back with his. So I texted him. And then I couldn’t stop texting him. He was so interesting to talk to. And obviously I already had a crush on him.

In the midst of everything he invited me to his birthday party. Naturally, I absolutely panicked because I am a ruiner and that’s what I do. It was a Friday night though, so I was going to be working anyways. I said something dumb like I could meet him afterwards if I didn’t get out of work too late. I obviously never had the intention of going because I could feel the color draining out of my face thinking about all the new people I would have to get introduced to. I don’t know if he asked me as a friend or what, but obviously that adorable gesture started to make me think that he might just like me, too. I knew he knew that I had been really stressed out and maybe he had just invited me because it was a party and a good time to unwind?

It ended up being a huge flood in Boston that night so he went out to dinner with all of his friends but was home around the same time I got out of work because all the bars were closed. We kept texting until like past midnight and did that a few other times. But it’s always me initiating everything. A friend of mine says that the guy is probably interested because he keeps texting me back and doesn’t flat out ignore me. I can’t help but wonder if he does like me. I mean, what was that whole birthday party invite about? Did I ruin everything by saying no?

I can’t figure it out. I want to text him. I like him. It seems unnatural not to. But with my past, I have to be careful. I can’t put my foot forward if he isn’t putting one forward with me. I know we are both graduate students and have ridiculous amounts of work this week… but what the hell is wrong with me? I want him to show me that he likes me but to push him away at the same time so I can protect myself. I would give anything for a sign that he really does like me. If he doesn’t, please just let me down easily so I can move forward with my life, and stop obsessing over what the birthday party invitation meant. Or what it means when he doesn’t answer my texts or send me a text first but then is all flirty in class, stealing my pretzels and talking to me after and during, and oh god, just make it stop.

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