timing.

It’s been eight years, almost nine. I met you at a time when college was just beginning and I listened solely to alternative rock music. One time, I logged onto your roommate’s computer and emailed myself a bunch of alternative rock songs that I didn’t have. He was so mad at you for letting me use your computer. I think we were all drunk. I still listen to some of the songs I sent myself on my iPod every once in a while. Your roommate didn’t really end up being friends with any of us after freshman year. He went on his own way with his girlfriend who eventually became his wife. He was afraid to talk to me since I was another girl and she got mad one time because I had written something stupid on the white board outside your bedroom door.

You had a girlfriend back home then, she was a senior in high school, and we were first semester freshman in college. I was infatuated with you. Obviously, you did not return the feelings then, as far as I know. I thought you were hilarious. I thought you were so handsome and I was so bummed that you had a girlfriend. Back then, there were a lot of guys that I hung out with as friends, so I eventually moved on to one of our friends. (I’ll write about him another time- it’s not a happy story). That didn’t last, obviously, because I am unlucky in both timing and love. You also moved off campus and at some point broke up with your girlfriend, but my feelings for you were not really there.

Sophomore year, you used to pick me up between my classes and take me to the park or on mini adventures. You had temporarily transferred to a community college nearby to take some classes you needed for your major and it was nice for me to get off campus every once in a while. It was fall. The weather is beautiful here, then. We were in the park near the mini house when you asked me if I would get pizza with you sometime. You brought it up the next time we hung out, after we had already finalized our plans, and you said “I am so excited for our date”.

I panicked, because that is obviously my nature. I also had two other guys who were interested in me at the same time and I picked the wrong one, like I usually do. We went on the date-that-I-didn’t-think-was-a-date. I was STARVING. You were really excited to show me this pizza place. I was mad. The pizza was the same as the pizza place where I worked back home and we waited something like an hour and a half or something crazy like that. It’s funny because now my other friends and I host a lot of birthdays at this particular pizza place and I am a big fan of their pizza. I think the problem was you made me wait over an hour for pizza that was exactly the same as the free pizza I had been eating all summer. And I already felt awkward enough because I just didn’t think of you that way anymore. You asked if you could sleep over and I made you stay with our friend. I didn’t want to give you the wrong idea. But you are a good man.

My feelings for you in the recent past have always been fleeting. Or you’ve been in relationships. Or I’ve been in a horrific relationship for years and we’ve lost touch and then when we hang out it’s like we never stopped hanging out. Our timing is quite horrible. Our timing could use some work. Most recently, you were in a relationship and I was single, as I have mostly been for the past four years or so, and you were looking at me like no one else has ever looked at me but you were still dancing with your girlfriend. It was santacon. We were all super drunk. Your friends started telling my friends that you were miserably in love with me and were always fighting with your girlfriend because of it. You guys eventually broke up. And that brings us to now. I’ve been waiting for you to heal before I decide anything. I obviously have a lot of my own potential changes going on right now. But you decided to move away. Like eight hours away or something crazy like that.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out how I went from trying not to make eye contact with you at santacon to this present moment where I am praying you text me back or that I might get to see you before you move on Saturday. I haven’t always been the kindest person towards you, I haven’t always made the best decisions regarding you but I thought we had more time.

You show up early to my Halloween party just to help, you ditch your friends just to come hang out at the bar where I am, you say the stupidest things but always manage to make me laugh, you’re kind, and you’re forgiving. You were with me during one of my most horrible moments, where I wanted to die, and you said “I hope you don’t hate me after this”, like it was your fault. My mental health problems are not your fault, and they will never be. I wish I could tell you that, but I am way too chicken. We didn’t speak for a year because of that time. I think we kissed but I honestly was in such a low place and drank too much on an empty stomach so I can’t remember what is real and what is fake. I know I drove home and you were crying because you didn’t want me to hurt myself. When we finally started talking again you acted like I was so fragile, but I am not fragile anymore.

I want you to know the amount I have been burned is nothing you could ever imagine. The struggles I have dealt with lately are probably not even comprehendible to you. I am trying every day, despite all my struggles. I am finally trying to face the next challenge in my life, and I keep avoiding all the things that are hard. I am glad you’re back in my life, but I am devastated that you’re moving so far away.

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