I’ve probably already written a post at some point that was titled “exhaustion” but it’s what I’m feeling today, so here we go.
I’m like a boat lost at sea right now. The tide is permanently too low so that means I can almost get to shore, but I can’t quite dock myself. I’ve been trying to force myself to be more productive lately, but the more I push myself, the more exhausted I feel. I can’t seem to get myself all the way there, towards a moment of balance.
I bought a fit bit the other day, on a whim, and it simply confirmed what I already have known for years: I struggle with sleep. I struggle with staying asleep, I struggle with falling asleep, I struggle with waking up in the morning. I was restless for the past night (thank you fit bit) for a total of 20 minutes. I am seeing a new doctor on Monday, so that is something I guess I will have to bring up. Of course, now I have the data on my fit bit to show her for good measure.
The things people have been doing have just been insulting me lately to the point that I just want to break down and cry. Someone says something in an off way and I am in my “seeing red” zone and can’t come back from it. Someone chooses someone else over me and I feel my heart shattering into a million pieces and that feeling doesn’t seem to want to go away. It lingers every day eating at me, when I know that other people are the ones who make their own choices. Knowing that they didn’t mean to doesn’t make me feel any better. It just makes me wish that people could be kinder to one another.
I don’t need people to point out that I am single. I am well aware. I already feel like an awkward, blundering idiot most of the time and I don’t need anyone else’s help to feel that way. I feel awkward and ugly in my own skin, especially when I can’t seem to get rid of the never-ending skin problems that seem to follow me around like a magnet. I don’t need anyone to make me feel uncomfortable, because I already feel that way all on my own.
I see people who are always doing things with their significant other and appear to have these healthy relationships and a part of me just completely snaps. Social media absolutely sucks when you’re single. I throw myself out there as best as I can when I find someone I am attracted to and it never seems to work out. The guys I like just don’t seem to be attracted to me. That makes me feel worse about myself. So no, I don’t need anyone’s help to feel alone. I am alone.
And the fact that I am always tired makes it that much harder to work on being less alone. It makes me want to sit in my room by myself and not come out until the next day when I have to go to work. It makes me turn down people asking me to do things on weeknights because I don’t even think I could mentally handle it. I tried yoga and going to the gym this week and then I was also physically exhausted, on top of everything else.
The only time I felt okay this entire week was when I sat down last night and made a painting. Other than that, I have felt like I was on the verge of tears the entire week. But for those of you who read my blog semi-regularly, you’ll know that crying for me is very difficult, if not impossible.
Readers please, think before you speak. Absolutely think before you text since editing is a luxury that comes with that. Remember that others are fighting their own battles, 24/7, and they don’t need to fight one with your words, too. Remember who’s important to you and make them a priority. Listen to what they have to say. Sometimes being there for someone is the best thing you can do for them.