I can’t help but feel this unmistakable pang of jealousy whenever you’re around.
I dread when I have to see you.
I absolutely dread it.
You’ve done everything right, it seems.
You’ve made all the right choices.
Most days I feel stuck, you know.
I didn’t get to end up with my college sweetheart.
I don’t own my own home.
I never get to go on vacations.
I can’t remember the last time I travelled that wasn’t
for a wedding or a funeral.
I don’t have my dream job, and I don’t even know what that is.
I hurt every time I am around you both.
I am absolutely in a panic.
I run to the mall, I buy everything.
Sometimes I feel like if I am more like you
then I will feel less uncomfortable
in my own skin.
Of course I want to travel
Of course I want to celebrate anniversaries with someone
Of course I have hopes and dreams and expectations just like you
but I am overcome with anxiety. Insomnia. Depression.
Never-ending waves of fear.
I want to move mountains but getting there seems to be the problem.
I get more and more stuck the more time goes by.
I want to not just be happy, I want to grow.
I want to live a life that means something
and I want someone to be there with me along the way.
Most of all, I want to be able to do it alone
but to stop feeling so alone
at the same time.