I think that I am slowly starting to come out of my funk. I haven’t made it to the gym yet, but I have almost convinced myself that I will go next week, once work is back to its regular schedule.
I am most definitely a schedule-inclined person. I like everything to be organized, I like everything to have a specific place in the house or in my life. One might say that I have some OCD-like tendencies, even. I take it very personally when my things get moved or someone gets in the way of my daily routine.
I need to start reminding myself that people aren’t messing with me on purpose. They might have their own agendas and are living with their own goals and ideas of where things should go or what should be done. That is much easier said than done. I think the more my insomnia kicks my ass, the more egocentric I get, and the more I take things way too personally.
I don’t get why I have been waking up around 4 am every night for the past two weeks. I don’t get why I have been dreaming about that Huge Asshole who went to Russia and broke my heart, but I think my brain or subconscious or something is trying to tell me something.
Maybe it’s time to start thinking about forgiveness and then moving on with my life. Maybe it’s time to remember that people are assholes and dicks and hurt others, but I don’t need to do that myself. I can be as mad as I want to be, but there will never be anything I could do that would come close to hurting him the way he hurt me. I am not that type of person who can willingly hurt someone, anyways. There’s nothing I could ever do to get an “I’m sorry” from him- not that it would matter.
I can make the choice to get out of my funk. I can make the choice to start working on my goals and my List of 100 Dreams. I can make the decision to stop wasting my time being sad and trying to spend as much time working on my priorities and fighting for myself. I deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy. It’s time to start to think about letting the bad karma go and welcoming in the good.