confessions.

I pick at my cuticles and my nails. A lot. All of the freaking time, to the point where sometimes they are bloody and most of the time I am doing it when it’s not an okay time. Like when I’m super bored at work or when I am super stressed out and have a million things to do. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s a control thing, but I pick at my cuticles obsessively until they bleed.

I am secretly a very judgmental person. I pretend not to be but I just wish that everyone would just do the right thing. I judge those people who just cant seem to get it right and do the right thing by others. I judge those people in the medians panhandling who are in perfect condition physically and have brand new sneakers on, when there are homeless people wandering my city who have rags on and are too proud to ask anyone for money. I judge people who have money to spend on cigarettes and brand new clothes when their kids are hungry and coming to school stinking of pot, cigarettes, or other unacceptable things.

I have so much anxiety that sometimes it completely immobilizes me. I have a fear of the unknown mostly. My insomnia goes crazy anytime I am angry, stressed, or dealing with something new.

Horses scare the shit out of me.

I was so horribly unpopular in school that books were usually my only escape. Sometimes, it was writing.

99 percent of the time I think that animals are better than people.

Two of my ex boyfriends cheated on me.

My most recent break up was not the result of any sort of cheating but resulted in my sleeping my life away for months after falling asleep to episodes of Criminal Minds on the couch.

I am a devout vegetarian (I do eat some fish but no land or sky animals) and have been for over 11 years but sometimes I really want to eat meat. It’s almost always only on Thanksgiving when my family is all enjoying turkey together.

When I feel super lonely I end up avoiding all the people I care about.

I have literally had every single common skin condition that you can think of. I most recently was diagnosed with a rash on my face- I don’t remember what it’s called- but when I asked what it was from all they could tell me was stress. The prescription lotion has mostly cleared it up but of course it flared up during my most recent heartbreak and hasn’t completely faded since.

My big toe nails are super weird. One of my ex boyfriends used it as an opening line to get me to talk to him.

I have a star-shaped mole on my belly. Literally every doctor ever has asked me if it’s changed at all and if it could be cancerous. It’s always looked exactly the same, actually.

I have such an intense phobia of needles that I now start hyperventilating before I even walk into the lobby of any doctor’s office or hospital.

I was bitten by a dog Christmas 2013, right on my face. The act of biting wasn’t traumatizing, but the experience in the ER was so traumatizing I don’t know if I will ever be able to enter that ER again.

I often sing really loudly to myself to songs that don’t even exist. I just make them up as I go along. Sometimes I sing real songs.

I have a wicked pirate mouth. I haven’t always had it, but I definitely drop more f-bombs than I should.

I had to wear a hearing aid, as a kid. I refused to wear it when I got to middle school. I was always super anxious about what other kids thought of me for wearing it. I thought it was the most embarrassing thing in the world. Nobody ever told me otherwise.

I’ve had a really hard time with crying. Ever since that jerk left for Russia. I cried a lot when I had my heart broken again, but other than that, when people died or I was disappointed or really depressed, I haven’t been able to cry.

I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. Should I be a writer or a teacher or a speech pathologist or an audiologist or should I go into marketing or business or something where I will make a lot of money? I constantly change my mind. I constantly question myself. I have no idea what I am good at anymore or which strengths I could build upon and make a future out of.

I wish that people would just stop being so greedy. I wish that nations would stop bombing each other and that little kids didn’t ever have to feel pain or horrific fear. I wish that people could work together towards world peace. I wish that people weren’t starving or homeless or hurt. I wish that people who spend time piercing the shit out of their faces and covering their bodies in tattoos would make sure that their kids are getting enough healthy food to eat, instead, and then worry about the body piercings at a later date. I wish that people would hold doors for each other at the super market and move out of people’s way with a polite “excuse me”. I wish that all the people in this world who are hurting could stop hurting, even if it was just for five seconds, just so they know that there are brighter days ahead.

Most of all, I wish that I could just get over this weird hump and do what I was born to do: to help others, to inspire, and to impact this world for the greater good.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s