Lately, I’ve been thinking there might be something wrong with me. I am highly anxious most of the time, and I went to work feeling super nauseous a few days last week, in the morning. I can’t seem to manage any of my time well and I can’t seem to get any of the things done that I want to do. I can’t remember the last time I exercised or went to the gym. I can’t seem to read the books I keep checking out from the library and then they end up being way overdue.

It’s freaking hot in New England right now. There is no air conditioning at work. We went outside for recess today and after only ten minutes of being out there I was dripping in sweat. DRIPPING. And the kids want to spend every waking minute out there. I don’t want to be in my house and I’m not happy outside. The only relief I’ve had from being overheated, stressed out, and just plain forgetful is when I went to my friend’s pool yesterday. It was literally the highlight of my month after how miserable work had been the other day.

The only other thing that has brought me any sort of relief from my overstimulated, discombobulated mind is shopping. I mean I’m talking that I’ve spent hundreds of dollars in the past month on absolutely stupid shit, but shit that, at the time, I feel is completely justified.

For example, in the past month or so, I used a TJ Maxx gift card from christmas to buy things and didn’t even flinch when I went over and had to spend my own money.

I also bought random things at HomeGoods that pretty much are just shiny decorations for the house. Put those on my card, and again, didn’t even flinch.

I pretty much felt like a little kid at christmas when Victoria’s Secret sent me and email that their underwear would be 8/$27 for one night only. Took my roommate with me and we pretty much maxed out my VS card because the underwear were “such a good deal.” I also bought a brand new bra because I was pissed off that the sale bras were only available in my “sister size” which meant they didn’t fit me at all.

I then went on their website and ordered $100 worth of swim stuff and of course justified it because it was “on sale”. Or as I kept telling everyone, “such good deals!”

I then proceeded to buy new shoes at DSW (when I went in to return a pair of sandals). I went in to return one pair and left with two and justified it because I had “saved money” because of the return.

I also bought a ton of shit at Express and justified it by using coupons and saying most of the clothes were from work and, oh, of course they were on sale.

The other day I told myself that if I don’t buy any stupid shit for like a month or something I will buy myself a new iPad or Sea Bag or something expensive that will be “worth the investment”. Ummmmm…. why am I trying to reward myself for not spending money by spending a lot of money?

I spend countless dollars on groceries that I seem to just dump into the trash. I drink bottles and bottles of wine and go out to dinner with friends and can’t seem to order just one thing when I do.

The biggest problem is that no matter how much money I spend and how guilty I initially feel, at the end of the day, shopping makes me feel so good. Whether I’m buying things that I need for the home at Walmart, like cat litter, or buying a new bathing suit, it makes me feel great. It’s like a high for me. It’s my guilty pleasure. I sit here and write about how badly I’ve blown it with money lately and all I can think about is if the next time I go into Nordstrom Rack will they have a good deal on those converse shoes I’ve been eyeing?

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change if my life keeps going the way that it has been going. Unless I become like a personal shopper for rich people my urges may never be satisfied. I might never recover from the fog that I feel surrounding me right now. I don’t feel sad anymore, just empty. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of the meaning in my life and I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t even know how to motivate myself to write most days, even though when I am at work, it’s pretty much all I think about.

I have a great life. I really do. My family is awesome and very supportive. My friends are great and I’ve made a lot of wonderful connections in this city. There are a million things to do…. It’s just that… I’ve gotten exhausted of doing them alone. I’ve gotten exhausted from looking at couples in the STUPIDEST places like at the grocery store. I want to shop at the grocery store, alone, and not be reminded by all the couples that I am ALONE. That’s all I want in life. To be able to get a cup of coffee or buy some new underwear without the constant reminder that there is something wrong with me because everyone but me seems to in a couple. Or dating. Or having someone call them or text them who might be interested. I’ve got no one.

In all honesty, though, I’ll take shopping over crying myself to sleep any day.


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