I wanted to go to the edge of the earth with you and see all the hidden shadows. I wanted to see all the glory of the unknown and undiscovered. You began to be my inspiration and you panicked.
You chose them over me. That will never be something I can change. That will never be something that won’t hurt. It will always hurt that you are so detrimental to yourself. That you make choices that will never allow you to get better or figure out who you are.
You gave me hope that you wanted to explore, to grow, to live life with vivacity and yearning. You gave me hope that I didn’t have to feel alone anymore. You walked away and I had to watch as you left and all those plans for traveling, learning, exploring, and change were suddenly gone.
The edge of the earth will still be there, and I am hoping to get there someday. It won’t be with you. You’re already gone. You already made the choice to go.
I wonder about you often and I dream about you sometimes. I wonder if you have regrets about how you treated me in the end. I wonder if you realize all of the false hope you gave me and how you could have fixed it with the snap of your fingers. How you lead me to believe that you truly cared for me and then when it got more difficult you didn’t anymore.
I feel strongly that you made the wrong decision, even after all of this time. As time goes on, the hidden shadows aren’t as terrifying as they once were, when you left me alone, crying in the darkness. Now the darkness is oftentimes something I welcome. It often makes me feel that life will be worth living with you gone.
This unbearable hurdle you needed to put me through, this unmistakable feeling of loss and dread, this knowing that you made the wrong choice and will regret it someday, all of these things, all of these feelings and emotions and worries, are nothing when I know that you are out there suffering somewhere and there is not a thing I can do about it.
The unknown and undiscovered will be waiting for me. I welcome them with open, persevering arms. I hope that you can get there, too.