ridiculousness.

The complete ridiculousness that is life. The feeling you get when you are with a group of people and yet feel completely alone.

The guy who you thought was cute is hitting on your friend who has 3 guys already interested in her and you have no one. It’s so insulting that it becomes comical.

Across the club, your ex boyfriend hanging out along the wall, standing there alone, watching you while his friend flirts with a woman.

When you come out of the bathroom, there are whispers “it’s her, it’s her.” You can hear them. So you do the awkward thing of course, and hug the friend and ignore the cheating, betraying asshole. But the group of guys you are with followed you and the other girls to the bathroom, making you stuck 4 feet away from your ex boyfriend.

The crack in your windshield that you’ve been meaning to fix along with the broken speedometer. Then your car won’t start and it’s suddenly time to maybe have to purchase a new car.

Waking up on a Saturday morning and watching TV for hours before getting out of bed to have breakfast because your car won’t start and you can’t go anywhere without walking. It will impede your shopping addiction but it really gets in the way of your errands like grocery shopping or picking up your prescription.

The guy your drunk friend was trying to force you to talk to because “you have so much in common because he loves cats. he has five cats!”

The constant opportunities for jobs that you are turned down from but not given any reason other than “you are not a good fit.” No helpful feedback; not even an interview. They think they know everything about you from a cover letter and a resume.

The place that does want to interview you but when you outline your schedule to make a time, they don’t get back to you and then it’s too late.

The coffee spilled all over your khaki-colored trench coat jacket that says “dry clean only” but you are too stubborn and you clean it yourself and now it probably will be permanently stained. You could try and bring it to the dry cleaner but you have no way to get there now.

The yoga teacher who you enjoyed for restorative yoga who is a complete grumpy, judgmental jerk when you actually try a yoga class that is more challenging. “You did really well for this being your first time doing yoga.” No, this is not your first time doing yoga. Did she notice how you knew most of the poses and did not fall down.

The fact that you are trying, despite all of this ridiculousness, to find out who you are and you keep feeling more lost each time you try. You want to paint, to write, to meet people. You want to manage your time better and not spend 4 hours watching TV on a Saturday morning. You want to stop spending all of your money on clothes when you are stressed out.

There’s nothing you can do but laugh at all the ridiculousness. If you keep focusing on the negativity, it’s going to eat you away more than it already has. It’s time to cut the crap. It’s time to fight for yourself because you’re the only one who can see yourself exactly as you are, and exactly as you want to be, somewhere down the road.

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4 thoughts on “ridiculousness.

  1. My mom says that ridiculous is one of the first words I learned. Pronouncing it, “That re-dik-ol-ous!”

    Sorry you’ve had to deal with so much absurdity. I’m hoping things look up soon.

    • I am hoping too! I can’t help but laugh at it sometimes… Luckily that lately I have felt more positive about all the ridiculousness! That’s funny that you learned it as a first word, it was a tough one to learn i bet!

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