honesty.

“Better to fail with honor than succeed by fraud”
-Sophocles

So, as if I wasn’t already ready enough to blow and confess and all that jazz… The guy on the radio this morning decided that he would let me know that it is “World Honesty Day.” yuck.

I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, which is something I probably have already mentioned in the past. When it is something I feel is important, I generally say it. That sometimes gets me into trouble. A lot of trouble. More often than not it leads me to more pain than before.

Sometimes it’s a great thing to be honest. Sometimes we mess up big time and we need to tell people about it. Sometimes we are honest with someone and they are thankful and we make improvements. Sometimes it allows us to move on when we have already been stuck in a rut.

I need to shut up right now. So, thanks, guy on the radio. You’re making my life even more difficult. And since I can’t say the things that I would like to say to you, to you, I decided I would write them on my blog instead.

We messed up. Like you said, our timing was bad. Sometimes timing is shitty. Sometimes timing just blows to the North Pole and beyond. Sometimes timing is a good thing. Sometimes timing wants you to wake up and smell the damn bacon.

I’ve been alone for a long time, except for that brief romantic heartbreak a few months back. That’s what I get for giving love a chance, I guess. Being alone is doable for me. It’s not really living, but I can breathe it and do it.

What I can’t handle is the way I feel about you. I can’t handle that because our timing was so screwed up we might never get another chance. I can’t handle that it took us all hurting to make me realize how I feel about you.

Yeah, we screwed up. But honestly, I wouldn’t have screwed up so badly if I didn’t care for you. I wouldn’t have screwed up if I hadn’t liked you from the moment I met you and then I went on a different tangent and then I realized that I still liked you. I would have never done what we did unless I had some sort of feelings for you.

I can’t ask you to choose me and I definitely can’t pressure you to care about me at all. But if you do, and there’s a chance that our paths may cross in the future, don’t stop thinking about me either.

I made you angry and I made you want to forget. You wanted to move on and for me to stop being sad. I didn’t because I felt all these things for you. And it’s simply because I like you. I really really like you. I’ve liked you since the moment we met.

And it’s all gone to shit because even though we really screwed up, you didn’t pick me.

And it feels like nobody ever picks me.

Maybe I’m super selfish for wanting to not be alone for once. Maybe I’m just an asshole. Or, maybe, I just like you a lot.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “honesty.

  1. That’s being really honest. I wish I could say it in person to the one guy who matters more than the rest. But… Well, I screwed up. Because I like him a lot. So. All wishes down the drain!

  2. I remember the pain of these sorts of things when I was your age. They seemed impossible at the time. Looking back I can see that I was able to grow a lot from the experiences. I wish you well as you navigate through your path in life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s