The past 24 hours, or so, have been absolutely heartbreaking.
I feel like all I ever do is complain on this blog because frankly I am running out of positive things to say. I wish I had funny things to write about. I mean, sometimes, I absolutely do, but right now is not one of those times.
Yesterday, I found out some horrible news about a friend and was turned down for something that I have been working the past two months to achieve.
I think I was turned down because I was late. I was late because I was too depressed to get out of bed like I am every single day lately. I did everything else right, I thought. You never get the feedback that you need for the next time, though. I will try my best not to be late in the future… That’s all I can say. Life happens.
Yesterday was the first morning where I willingly was up and out of bed early, I walked the trail, made myself breakfast, and combated with my never-ending intestinal issues while trying to just walk 3 miles uninterrupted.
Needless to say, I am always having the hardest time motivating myself to get out of bed. And today, it’s much much worse.
The best part of interviews (not) is that when you don’t get the job, you never find out what you did wrong. The self doubt that comes from them is immense, for me. Interviews are highly anxiety provoking and there’s been so many where I wanted to turn around and get back in my car before the interview has even started.
I’ve been stuck doing the wrong thing for about 4 years now. I’ve learned so much along the way, don’t get me wrong, but now I feel like I am at the point where I am withering away.
I feel like my life is just completely stagnant. Nothing super bad happens but nothing good happens either. I have a great group of friends and I, at least, have a full-time job. But I am sad, more often than not. I feel lonely a lot of the time. When a guy shows even a tiny bit of interest in me, I latch right on and make things worse.
There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to try, so many ideas I have in my head for books and short stories… I just can’t seem to do any of them. I have pulled myself up so many times lately, it’s exhausting.