withering.

The past 24 hours, or so, have been absolutely heartbreaking.

I feel like all I ever do is complain on this blog because frankly I am running out of positive things to say. I wish I had funny things to write about. I mean, sometimes, I absolutely do, but right now is not one of those times.

Yesterday, I found out some horrible news about a friend and was turned down for something that I have been working the past two months to achieve.

I think I was turned down because I was late. I was late because I was too depressed to get out of bed like I am every single day lately. I did everything else right, I thought. You never get the feedback that you need for the next time, though. I will try my best not to be late in the future… That’s all I can say. Life happens.

Yesterday was the first morning where I willingly was up and out of bed early, I walked the trail, made myself breakfast, and combated with my never-ending intestinal issues while trying to just walk 3 miles uninterrupted.

Needless to say, I am always having the hardest time motivating myself to get out of bed. And today, it’s much much worse.

The best part of interviews (not) is that when you don’t get the job, you never find out what you did wrong. The self doubt that comes from them is immense, for me. Interviews are highly anxiety provoking and there’s been so many where I wanted to turn around and get back in my car before the interview has even started.

I’ve been stuck doing the wrong thing for about 4 years now. I’ve learned so much along the way, don’t get me wrong, but now I feel like I am at the point where I am withering away.

I feel like my life is just completely stagnant. Nothing super bad happens but nothing good happens either. I have a great group of friends and I, at least, have a full-time job. But I am sad, more often than not. I feel lonely a lot of the time. When a guy shows even a tiny bit of interest in me, I latch right on and make things worse.

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to try, so many ideas I have in my head for books and short stories… I just can’t seem to do any of them. I have pulled myself up so many times lately, it’s exhausting.

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2 thoughts on “withering.

  1. Sorry to hear about your troubles. Don’t know if this will help but a friend of mine got a job that about 40 people had applied for. She told me that she had gone on so many interviews that by this time, she really didn’t care, and she thought that was, in a way, maybe helpful. Because since she didn’t think she would get the job, she didn’t seem at all nervous, and she came across as really confident. Regardless, the interview process can be a learning experience, I suppose. (but I know it can be hard to take lemons and make lemonade.)

    • I always find it soooo hard to be confident… sounds like your friend practiced and practiced… Practice makes perfect. Now, the problem is motivating myself to fill out the applications…

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