breakdown.

A song I’ve listened to in the past mentioned in the lyrics “there’s beauty in the breakdown”. I can hear it in my head, but I can’t remember who sings it. Sorry musician person, I can’t give you credit today as I am too lazy to google it. I think it’s like Dido or someone like that. Oh well.

I think I am doing better. I started trying to figure out the next step in this adventure we call “life” and I think it’s making me feel a little bit more positive. I haven’t stopped missing him but I have stopped missing myself. Myself is mostly back, I think.

I got tons of books from the library and I have actually been reading them instead of just hoarding them in my room and renewing them until I have to bring them back. Without actually opening them. I have actually read myself to sleep every night this past week.

I think that although I have relied on my friends a lot for their positivity, the beauty of the breakdown had to come from within myself.

I had to figure out that I wanted there to be a next step. I had to figure out that I am absolutely miserable within my current job position and figure out the things that make me happier. There are a lot of people and things in my life that I take for granted but everyone means a lot to me, regardless of my actions.

I have plans for a few things I want to write about in the future and I am determined to actually write them down. I am determined to begin figuring out what my dreams are and determined to start achieving them.

What changed? I have no clue honestly. I think time helped me stop breaking down so much. I think I have begun to protect myself from him by not messaging him in the past week or so. Maybe it’s been almost two weeks. I don’t know, I’ve lost count. All I know is that forcing a conversation with him was becoming even more painful. I shouldn’t have to force someone who claims they care about me to talk to me. I have to let go.

In the end, I am the one who cares about myself. I have decisions to make. I have adventures that will begin soon. I have alternate plans to follow in case they don’t. I am done squishing myself down like a fly smashed by a fly-swatter. I am done silencing myself.

Not talking to him is not being silent, it’s taking back control. I am starting to see the light. It’s okay for me to be alone because I have so many wonderful people in my life, and myself, so I will never truly be alone. I don’t think finding someone else right now is the best course of action for me. I need to figure out my next career step first. I need to figure out how to get myself back on track. I need to do yoga and start preparing for my 5K in June. I need to go to the restaurants that I have been dying to go to, cook dinner with the people I keep saying I need to spend time with, and read, consume as many books as I possibly can.

“sometimes you have to move on without certain people. if they’re meant to be in your life, they’ll catch up” ~Mandy Hale