motivation.

You owe me. You absolutely freaking owe me. I am not saying this out of anger, I am not saying this out of hatred. I mean, believe me, I hated you at one point. I absolutely hated you. You ruined what my life was in that moment, in the past.

But now, the person who ruins my life is me. The person who makes the wrong decisions over and over is me. You’re no longer here to break me and chastise me and manipulate me by using my flaws against me. You’re so far gone, you feel like a flickering memory.

Unfortunately, it’s the memories of you that cause me to continue to make mistakes. It’s the memories of how worthless you made me feel that continue to make me have meltdowns and say stupid things to the guy that I really want to be with. Believe me, I would do anything for this guy, to be with him, to make him happy, and he’s caught up in his own world of fear that he’s basically forgotten that I exist.

I can’t control him. He has feelings for me and he chooses to avoid them. At some point, I am going to have to stop continuing to pine for him.

You, though, I don’t pine for. You did horrible horrible things to me. You hurt me in the most indescribable ways.

The funny part, to me, is that I was the motivation for you to get on the plane. I was the only person who made you do it. As everyone else cried, I said, no you idiot. This is what you want. Get on the plane. And don’t look back.

You never looked back. You didn’t look back when you cheated. You didn’t look back when you lied to me. You didn’t look back when you lied to your friends. You didn’t look back when you lied to your family.

You would not have your fiancee/wife/slut if it weren’t for me. Whoever she is, you and her both owe me everything. Because had I not been strong for you and your whole family then you would have never gotten on that plane. And the life you have now, still hopefully without me, would be dramatically different.

Even though I made you get on that plane, you were always going to be a cheater. It just took months of you ignoring me to make me realize that. It took years of being called fat and made to feel like I wasn’t good enough or as smart as you to make me realize that you are spoiled narcissist who will purposefully hurt others if it means personal gain for yourself.

I am not like you. I take the fall for other people even when I know they are making a mistake.

I take the fall for someone when I know he still likes me but is too fearful to admit it.

I support my friends. I do everything I can for them but I never lie to them. You told your friends lies about me. How I am the cheater and the bad person and a bitch to you. You lied to them that I was the one who hurt you.

I motivated you to get on that plane.

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2 thoughts on “motivation.

  1. Interesting perspective on motivating someone who has done wrong by you, to make a decision that would “benefit” them. There is much pain in this post, and rightfully so. However, you can also see emotionally maturity.

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