I don’t know if I did anything actually wrong, and I will probably never know.
My roommate told me tonight:
“he is not coming back.”
I think she’s probably right. Even as painful as it is to admit it, I have been sitting alone for the past couple weeks sobbing and he’s been out there living his life, pretending he doesn’t feel pain. Pretending he didn’t completely screw up.
We had a major blow out via text last night. Obviously, I would have rather had these conversations in person and not via text when we were still “together”. It made me cry so hard and not be able to eat dinner to hear the horrible things he was saying to me. I get that I made him angry. I have been clingy: I have been fighting for what I feel is right.
There should be nothing wrong with me telling him my heart is broken when he asked me what happened when I had a bad day. It should be okay for us women to be emotional from time to time, especially when someone we cared about immensely left us and the reasons they have given us don’t seem to be right. Someone left me. I have every right to feel sad and cry and call him names and curse him and delete him from my phone only to immediately regret it after.
My roommate also told me that I am never going to know the real reason why he chickened out and left. Unfortunately, I have been pressing him for this information which probably has not made me look like the most attractive individual.
She also explained to me that the reason he says horrible things like “you shouldn’t be this emotional we only hung out for a little while and went on a few dates” or tries to belittle me for expressing my feelings shows me that he is scared. He knows he is wrong and the only way he can make himself feel better is by discrediting everything I feel.
We will never know the truth about this guy. We will never know what he is truly afraid of. Because he is lying to me. He told me last week “I am not done liking you either”. Well fuck that. If you like someone you hold them tight and don’t let go. You don’t let fear get in the way. Your life is way too short to let that get in the way.
Either way, I would jump on him if he walked in the door right now. Because I miss him. Because the times we had together were really awesome and I want them back and I really do think he is making the wrong decision.
I told him I deserve better from you.
I really do deserve better from him. I deserve for him to not chicken out when things get a little difficult, not to ignore me, to communicate better.
He’s making it so he loses his chance.
When he wakes up sometime in the future and realizes what he’s done, that’s when it’s going to hurt for him. He’ll look in the mirror and realize that he made a big mistake in letting me go.
I don’t want to live like that. I’ve fought so hard for him when he is less than deserving. No one has ever fought for me as hard as I’ve fought for another chance with him.
But, he’s probably not coming back.