unlucky.

I don’t mean to sound whiney, but I think I am the unluckiest person I have ever met when it comes to love and relationships. And I’m all sad right now, and can’t stop crying, which is horrible to me because….

…well because it reminds me of horrible things that happened to me in my past that I could not have foreseen but I still blame myself to this day for not seeing them.

I don’t have control over anyone else’s actions, which is so frustrating since I seem to pick the wrong guys over and over again, fall for them, and then get stomped on like I am a piece of grass… No, not even grass… dirt.

I’ve been told by countless people that I am super awesome and super great and so incredibly nice and all this nonsense that isn’t helping me at all. I’ve put myself out there, casually, countless times, only to be shot down for silly reasons like I am too different than the guy or I won’t let him come over at 2 am.

Then in relationships, where I give them my heart and soul, all they can do is crush me.

I think there’s something wrong with me because I keep doing this to myself over and over. I keep pushing the guy away so much at first to then being so extremely hopeful because the guy does the right things and gets me hooked. The guy clearly has an out at the beginning when I am basically screaming “NO NO NO” and not responding to his texts and pretending I am too busy to hang out.

Because I am so extremely terrified. But let’s face it, with my history of being so unlucky, why would I jump on the train immediately? The train would probably hit me or I would just immediately fall off.

And yet, when I don’t want a relationship, I just want one specific guy, he breaks my heart. Even though I am trying so hard. I am trying so hard to just stand up on my own two feet and he knows this and he knows all about my cheating exes and the abuse and manipulation and I let him in. The moral is that I am absolutely terrified of a relationship. However, since he thinks that I want a relationship or I am inevitably going to want a relationship someday, I get dumped again. When he had so many chances when I was being a flake. No, no, no. He had to wait until I started to fall for him.

Now I am just a mess. An unlucky, crying, sobbing, mess who is losing weight and having this weird nausea and headaches. And the only person I want to talk to is him.

Because I am stupid. I am flawed. And I have no luck, whatsoever.

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