I spent a solid hour or more crying tonight. Thank god for good friends who are willing to calm you down via phone. It gets so lonely coming home to an empty house after working a job where you are kind of the outsider… Dont get me wrong, all the people who work at my school are awesome, but I still feel kind of on the outside sometimes…
Especially today. I just wasn’t feeling being back at work today. Maybe the three day weekend didn’t help, or maybe I’m just slowly going insane.
All I know is that my tears eventually turned into rage. Rage at myself or others or some uncontrollable force up there who just likes to mess around with my life.
I made my rage productive.
You can’t predict the fucking future. I’m sorry but whatever asshole came up with that is a liar. The future is so unpredictable. Yes, it’s moldable. It’s changeable. We can alter our paths. No one knows for sure where they are supposed to end up. Not you, not me, not some person who has a clear sight of who they are, not even George W. Bush.
I make mistakes just like every other single freaking person on this planet. No one is perfect. Know one knows what they want right away. Sometimes, we know what we want and it’s just too late.
And this is why I am enraged tonight. Because people are expecting me to be the next freaking Houdini or Al Gore or Beyonce or some shit and I am simply me.
There’s nothing I can change about being myself. I come with my flaws just like I come with all the things that make me good and worthwhile. I come with anxiety and weird skin problems and a mind that never stops analyzing and overthinking everything.
But I also come with an open heart, a heart so full of regret and pain, but an open heart who is willing to fight and give others a chance. I come with a personality where I would rather be freaking miserable than cause someone else pain. There are things that people know, and other things that I write about on this blog, but I also have secrets of my own that no one knows. I come with those secrets too.
I’m a freaking human being. With feelings and emotions. And I am entitled to feel them. And I don’t purposefully do it at anybody else’s expense.
When I mess up, I say I’m sorry.
So yes, I am full of rage. Everybody makes mistakes. Everyone tries to predict the future but they can’t. Everyone accomplishes some goals and lets other goals out of their grasp.
And life keeps going.
Whether you are angry, happy, sad, bored, flawless, or full of flaws. Whether you are left-handed or right, whether you like to run or dance or ski, whether you have brown hair or red, whether you like coffee or tea, whether you would like to go to space or go scuba diving.
It’s going to keep moving on and if you don’t grasp the chances head on, then you will be forever alone and full of every single possible regret.