I’m crying. Like real tears.
I haven’t cried for real in ages. Not at funerals. Not at weddings. Not during the sad parts of books or movies that always make me cry. It’s been literally years since I was able to actually cry. It was before when the asshole ex left for russia. I had cried so much before hand, begging him to change his mind and to not go. I cried for months before he left. The day he left, his entire family was crying, even his grandfather. I was standing there and not a single tear dropped down my face.
I didn’t even cry when my great aunts died and I didn’t get to say good bye to them.
I got home last night, absolutely terrified about being in the house alone, and my roommate had come back from her boyfriend’s unexpectedly. I walk in and say “I am so glad you are here” and burst into tears. Real tears. I was sobbing. Being alone right now is definitely not helping because then I start thinking all these horrible, obsessively sad thoughts.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. For nearly three years I haven’t cried. I want to go back to being that strong girl who doesn’t cry because being sad absolutely sucks.
I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know if there’s even a slight possibility that he wants me. I want him to want me or just show up at my doorstep and say he made a mistake or something. I don’t know if it’s possible and I don’t know how to move forward when I have feelings for him. I don’t know how to fix myself.
I don’t know how to make myself stop crying or be less sad.
All I know is it feels like it’s getting worse and I resent these tears so much.