tears.

I’m crying. Like real tears.

I haven’t cried for real in ages. Not at funerals. Not at weddings. Not during the sad parts of books or movies that always make me cry. It’s been literally years since I was able to actually cry. It was before when the asshole ex left for russia. I had cried so much before hand, begging him to change his mind and to not go. I cried for months before he left. The day he left, his entire family was crying, even his grandfather. I was standing there and not a single tear dropped down my face.

I didn’t even cry when my great aunts died and I didn’t get to say good bye to them.

I got home last night, absolutely terrified about being in the house alone, and my roommate had come back from her boyfriend’s unexpectedly. I walk in and say “I am so glad you are here” and burst into tears. Real tears. I was sobbing. Being alone right now is definitely not helping because then I start thinking all these horrible, obsessively sad thoughts.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. For nearly three years I haven’t cried. I want to go back to being that strong girl who doesn’t cry because being sad absolutely sucks.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know if there’s even a slight possibility that he wants me. I want him to want me or just show up at my doorstep and say he made a mistake or something. I don’t know if it’s possible and I don’t know how to move forward when I have feelings for him. I don’t know how to fix myself.

I don’t know how to make myself stop crying or be less sad.

All I know is it feels like it’s getting worse and I resent these tears so much.

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8 thoughts on “tears.

  1. My heart breaks for you. This post made me sad and I want to come cheer you up and I don’t even know you!! Call your best friend. Call someone who makes you laugh. Talk to them. Get your mind off this for a time. The only way I can do this is by helping other people. Get out of the house if you can. I’m so sorry for your sadness! Prayers and luck your way. πŸ˜”

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. A best friend was in town last night so that helped to be able to visit with her. And talking to people has definitely been helping in the moment, but I can’t seem to shake the sadness when I am at work all day. It gets distracting! Thank you for your support! I am doing my best to try and move forward.

    • I think it definitely helped after the fact. In the moment, I just wanted to make it stop. But I told him that I think we should talk and he agreed. So here’s to talking and crying. All of it helps πŸ™‚

    • I think you’re right. I just spent so much time crying over my ex when we were still together. I felt lots of regret when it ended and I had spent so much time being sad. I’m trying to pull myself together best I can. Thanks for your support!

  2. ITS QUITE unfortunate but you have to man-up and move on..replace the feeling by being with some good and positive friends. You need to be fine, you owe that to your next boyfriend

    • I don’t think I’ll be ready for the next guy for a long time. It took a lot of strength to try for this one. But thanks for the positive words. I am being forced to go to olive garden tomorrow for dinner by one of my girl friends. I’m hoping that progress will slowly start to be made when i do my best to keep busy πŸ™‚

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