Needless to say, today was absolutely horrible.
It was so horrible, I was almost laughing at myself or whomever up there decided to crap all over my head multiple times today.
The guy I wasn’t sure if I liked, then I realized I liked him, ended it with me sunday during the day. So I was already going to be sad today…
I talked to him via text before I went to work, and he told me how he had been distancing himself on purpose. I don’t think I need to explain to anyone how this might really screw up someone with fear of being alone, ignored, and just anxiety about relationships in general. Yeah. It sucked. My anxiety has been through the roof.
Only to find out that the fact that I kept getting upset with him for not wanting to spend time with me was the reason he was distancing himself in the first place. I just can’t get over how complicated and stupid this is.
I’m trying so hard to give him space. I haven’t texted him since before work this morning.
Am I over analyzing where I am wondering what he was doing up so early? I’m supposed to be the one with insomnia. I was wondering what it meant that he was up that early. Did I wake him up? I’ve never been aware that my texts have woken him up in the first place.
The only advice my friends have offered me is that everything happens for a reason.
I hate that stupid saying. I’ve had it with that saying.
As if my day wasn’t horrible enough, the kids I work with were absolutely horrible today too. And I made a kid cry at work today.
And then, to top it off with a freaking cherry, I decided to walk to the library instead of drive. Only because it would waste time and it would be exercise. It was less time that I would be sitting at home, alone, hoping that this is just a dream. Of course my wonderful cheating abusing ex drove by with the russian whore.
What did I do? Am I so terrible that I don’t deserve to be happy?
There is no reason that this day happened. Absolutely none.
The guy I want to be with doesn’t want to be with me. I’m going to say there are no freaking reasons for how sad I am feeling, again. And I was trying so hard to be a better person. So hard.