signs.

I think I need a sign that it’s all going to be okay. I’m trying to keep my positive attitude and try not to lose my head in all this fear that’s enveloping me.

Something happened at work today that totally shocked me. And I was so tired from my insomnia deciding that I needed to be wide awake at two am and then again at five am and then again at six am. I could barely even handle the situation. While it probably looked like I was calm, but inside my head I was thinking “NO not today. Hell no.”

Inside I was screaming a little bit.

Screaming at society for exposing our children to guns more than it should. Screaming at society for judging children if they want to wear pink crocs to school when their father forces them to wear sneakers which are invoking every form of sensory overload that’s humanly possible. I was screaming at my mind for not allowing me to sleep at night. I was screaming at the parents who allow their ten year old child to show up at school in a dress that’s meant for a twenty something to wear to a wedding.

Sometimes, you just feel like you can’t do it anymore. And today was one of those days where my mental exhaustion was so high, I didn’t even use my mean voice when the kids were misbehaving. I just asked them to stop, politely.

I was so freaking tired.

I’m tired of waiting for the sign that this will all be okay. I’m tired of waiting on him to contact me when all I want to do is contact him first.

I need a sign that there is still good in this world. I need a sign that I didn’t search and wait two years eight months for it to not work out. I don’t even need multiple signs at this point.

I need just one.

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