Live in the moment, they tell you.
The past is the past, they say.
They want you to be motivated, to move on, to make new beginnings for yourself. But, they don’t tell you that it’s going to be nearly impossible. That each day is going to be a struggle to get out of bed. That each day will be a fight instead of full of enjoyment. Things that other people seem to love produce more anxiety, and cause insurmountable problems for you.
As the anxiety begins to trickle in, it feels like the cold waves that start the fall. It’s always there. Whether you are consciously thinking of it or not. The anxiety creeps up onto you in your dreams. Even when you’re feeling better. Even when you think you have made unimaginable progress, it gets to you.
It makes it hard to breathe. It makes it hard to function in social situations. And most importantly, it makes you have intrusive thoughts. You start imagining things that feel so real, and yet are they real or not? You can’t tell. You can only hope that tomorrow you wake up and the anxiety has subsided. That the things that are causing you to be so anxious have changed.
You hope that it’s all in your head. That your fears are not coming true.
You hope to god that no one is leaving you. But all you can think about, every second, is that they are leaving. You feel that there’s nothing you can do to stop them. Then, you do incredibly stupid things, beginning to push them away purposefully.
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and it ingrains itself in your mind and begins to take over your life. When you are feeling this anxious, it feels like there’s no escape.
You feel like you are better off alone.