Sometimes I wonder if I really am the caring person that I say I am. I mean, sure, I have a job in a profession that requires a great amount of care, professionalism, and mental exhaustion. That’s great and all, but am I really that much of a good person? Does me having a service job qualify me as someone who is supportive and selfless towards others?
I think I am extremely selfish.
I lie to my family about simple things because I don’t want them to judge me. I perform these selfish white lies simply because I am full of fear. I am fearful of someone making a judgement about me or someone who I choose to involve myself with.
I just want to be left alone sometimes. Which is why I end up lying. But it is bad bad bad.
Just because someone is not perfect in someone else’s eyes does not mean that they aren’t a person too. My god. How many times do I have to remind myself of this? This is when I become evil. The simple fact that I can’t commit. The simple fact that I am seeing someone, who I care about, and I can’t even come clean with my family because I am afraid of being judged.
The fear is making me evil. The fear is enveloping my mind and making my vision fuzzy. The evil is entering my soul and turning me into a liar.
Only sometimes, it feels so good to lie. It feels so good to not be the only one being judged for a change. Sometimes, it’s nice to experience the breath of fresh air when someone doesn’t notice how truly evil you are.
And damn, I am becoming more evil these days.
Not only because I am afraid of not only others judging me, but also, I fear the judgements I perform of my own character. I am my harshest, most demeaning critic.