I haven’t been able to write on this in forever. It was a relaxing four-day weekend in vermont with the family, complete with no internet or cell phone reception. I enjoyed being out of contact with the rest of the world, but at the same time I didn’t. Let’s just say it makes me appreciate the high speed internet that I have at my apartment and all the netflix watching and blog reading that I usually get to do.
Things have been weird lately. I finally had that spark of passion that I’ve been looking for, and I don’t know what it even means. It’s so new to me, so foreign, I often feel like I’ve been hit by a truck or that I want to run full-speed in the opposite direction.
And just when you thought things were just simple, they get a little bit more complicated.
You notice, for example, a note that someone left. And it makes you blush. It’s not dirty or romantic or flirtatious, at all. It simply is honest. Sometimes honesty is the only thing you need to make your heart beat just a little bit faster than before.
Sometimes getting an unexpected compliment can make your day seem a little brighter than before.
In the note, I was told that I am “benevolent”. Now, I enjoy reading and broadening my vocabulary and what not so that I seem a little bit more intelligent when I write or speak, but sometimes I have forgotten the meaning of specific words. This was one of those times. I knew that it wasn’t a bad word due to the context of the note. I still had to look it up, just to be completely sure.
This is what I found:
well meaning and kindly.
“a benevolent smile”
synonyms: kind, kindly, kindhearted, big-hearted, good-natured, good, benign, compassionate, caring, altruistic, humanitarian, philanthropic
My heart melted a little bit. Sometimes, the work I do is completely draining and I start thinking desperately anxious and bitter thoughts, and wishing I had a simpler job where I made tons of money. But, I don’t. I have this indescribable urge to utilize my career in a way that allows me to help others. I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away. It’s a huge compliment when someone points out, honestly, that you do good in this world.
It’s a huge compliment when someone honestly appreciates the hard work you put in. It makes me blush because my first day back at school was draining and chaotic, but there was this note waiting for me right on top of that yoga book that I keep meaning to open. And it reminded me that even though I’m a chaotic mess sometimes, I still can be benevolent.