plunge.

I am writing this post as I am experiencing a considerable amount of unexplained back pain.

I woke up yesterday morning with stabbing pain in my back and could not remember doing anything to cause it to be like that. I must have done something in my sleep, I thought. I took multiple ibuprofens during the day, and it definitely put a damper on the pain, but it was still there. Then I woke up this morning and it was definitely diminished, though not completely gone. I spent all day at an orientation for work in an uncomfortable chair, and now I feel like I am in more pain than I was to begin with. I also took an ibuprofen, hoping it would allow me at least to go to the store real quick to pick up some supplies, but no. I almost have tears running down my face because I can’t do any of the things I would love to be able to do: clean, wash dishes, sit on the couch, drive, go for a walk, go to the store, go to the gym…. Everything seems extremely daunting to even try out, and as a stubborn aries, this is literally killing me today.

I also feel like if I hadn’t had to sit in that chair all day at work, I probably would be fine since I woke up feeling much better.

Anyways, since I can’t make myself do anything that involves even a tiny bit of physical activity, I decided to write. But of course, I had to rant about my back situation first.

I would like to say that I am the queen of mistakes. I am the queen of making bad decisions, or maybe decisions that aren’t necessarily bad but I don’t really think before I act. I don’t really think before I open my mouth, either, most of the time.

I also am very stubborn so once I do make a mistake I would probably never admit it to 99% of the people who know me. Yes, I know this is a flaw. We are all flawed in some way.

I did something that I don’t necessarily regret but I don’t necessarily think was the right decision either. But I did it. I took the plunge and it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to but it also surprised me in a lot of ways. Some of which, weren’t completely bad.

I definitely know that I am not ready for a relationship, now more than ever. I do know that it will take a lot of effort for me to be able to connect with another human completely and romantically, like I have in the past.

The problem is, that if you have that connection with someone, and then it goes away, you get extremely scared that it was your one chance to experience it, and now it won’t ever come back. I have this fear that I am never going to experience that connection again. I try to push it aside because I know that some people find a lot of love in their lives. I am trying to take the plunge and give it my best, but I can’t help being completely and totally fearful along the way.

All I’ve felt since is numbness. I am even more confused than I was before. I am so numb that someone could come at me in the most horrible and emotional way and I would attempt to fight them with so much as a backward glance.

Now, that’s the wrong kind of plunge to take.

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