I wonder if it’s just me, because I really feel alone in this. I continuously make mistakes while being aware that I am making them, but not really being able to stop myself. I just feel like I don’t have it in me.. or maybe I enjoy messing up and feeling like a failure?
Sometimes I feel like it’s the only way that I can protect myself. To screw up and then continue to be alone, instead of putting in the effort to get away from being alone.
Being alone becomes comforting. Which is weird, since I am an extrovert, all the way. I want to be around other people. This week though, while I am on vacation, I have just completely appreciated my alone time during the day.
At night, I have felt lost. Like the waves of anxiety are taking over my soul and there’s no escaping them. I can’t help but say horrible things to people and then immediately regret them but appreciate them at the same time. I’m fighting a battle that doesn’t even exist.
And, it’s all in my head.