damages.

It would simply be wonderful if the human heart was like a phoenix. If the human heart were able to live out its time until it were weary and aging, all its resources used up, only to be reborn again. From the ashes. It would simply be amazing if that’s all it took to heal. Your heart could be reborn again, without the pain that has surrounded it for years and years of wear and tear. Years and years of heartache and not feeling good enough, simply to be reborn in the flames and allowing the heart to move forward without looking back at the past.

I would sometimes give anything to not feel the anxiety and sadness that I feel from my weary and aging heart. I would give anything to feel, even for a fleeting moment, love towards another individual that was not smothered by even just a tiny hint of fear or resentment.

I am glad that I have made some mistakes, but there are others that I have mentioned before that I deeply regret.

It’s about that time of year again, folks. It’s almost the two year anniversary of the day when I found that lovely video of my ex making out with some chick on Facebook. It’s the day when I found out that “we need to talk” and then making me wait a week was not doing my heart any good. I was simply worn out. I went looking for the information that I somehow knew, deep inside, was there. I was hoping I was wrong, but he proved me right.

It took me sending a text “don’t ever talk to me again” for me to finally feel free. I didn’t cry, I paused the video and took a picture of it and sent it to him. What kind of person cheats when they know someone is taking a Facebook video? What kind of person forms a relationship with someone while letting their “significant other” be all alone… rotting, waiting, hoping? What kind of person waits months to break up with their girlfriend but still is able to have a second girlfriend behind said girlfriend’s back? Not someone I would enjoy associating with in the future.

So when somebody asks me “is he the guy you are after” and I reply “I am not after anyone.” I’m telling the truth. I don’t have the capacity to figure out how to interact with someone that I am attracted to, let alone someone I am interested in forming a relationship with.

I haven’t kissed anyone except my ex for the past five years. The longer the time goes, the more it freaks me out. The more easily I scare when a guy acts like he’s attracted to me, or gives me a compliment, or whatever. I’m absolutely terrified.

There’s no way to let any guy know not to take it personally. I have so much fear in my heart. My heart is so freaking damaged I couldn’t begin to write down enough words for another person to feel it. I don’t want anyone to feel how my heart feels. While my body is young, my heart is a ninety-year old woman with damages so severe it is waiting to be reborn again in the ashes.

But the ashes aren’t even a possibility. They don’t exist. And I can only try and heal myself and hope that someday I’ll be able to let someone else in.

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8 thoughts on “damages.

  1. I notice that you feel somewhat ambiguous about the things your heart has gone through. On the one hand, learning from pain but also wishing some things had never occurred. I feel the same ambiguity. I’m not sure what you have gone through but I’ve found that it helps me to find some way to appreciate everything I’ve been through. Maybe the sorrows that remain over things that can’t be changed continue to teach us?

    • yeah my feelings can get pretty ambivalent. I know that I can’t go back and change the past, unfortunately. I also know that it’s still affecting me to this very day, and at some point, I would like it to mostly stop…
      But, building trust to where it even is now has taken a lot of effort. Lots of conscious effort. And I had to stop wishing that bad things would happen for my ex for my life to even begin to improve. Baby steps.

  2. How sad…:(. Sucks. I know..
    . Sorry that you had to go thru that.
    But you will make it thru. One day you’ll look back and realize it made you a stronger person.
    I still remember the day Oh so long ago when my own sister caught my boyfriend at the time with another chick. She called and told me. When I confronted him about it he didn’t have nothing to say just walked out. I cried like a baby. But you know what I look back and I’m honestly glad it didn’t work out with him Because now I’m married to the best man ever!!! Like that quote says: One day that person will walk into your life that’ll make you understand why it never worked out with all the others! ❤ Keep your head up, pray, and never stop believing.

    • Thank you for your thoughts! I am happy that you were able to get out of such a horrible situation! And your sister had your back, which is great. I found that my ex’s sister had his back and was more about protecting him. She was the first person I completely cut ties with when we broke up.

      I am so happy that you found the one 🙂 I can only hope to get there someday too, and just try and be myself in the process.. Luckily, it has been two years now, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel pain and regret, unfortunately. I am trying my best to attempt more positive outbursts.

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