I don’t know about anyone else, but I have the most vivid dreams sometimes. I remember one that I had as a teenager, where I screamed and swore at my grandmother, and the anguish and guilt that I felt, only to wake up the next day and everything was fine… I had sat in my bed that morning, trying to remember if it had happened or not, because it had felt so real.
This has happened to me countless times with my dreams. Sometimes when they are completely ridiculous and impossible, I know they aren’t real. There have been several dreams where I think it would make a great novel or screenplay, just from being so entertaining to even be a part of. Then, there are the dreams with conversations that are so real with people in my life, that I think the conversations have happened. Then, I am struck with a little bit of confusion when they have no idea what I’m talking about later down the road. It’s never-ending. Even my nightmares are horrific and so realistic that I have woken up with tears already dripping down my saddened face.
The thing that comes next, of course, is the dreams about your ex. The unresolved issues. The issues that will never be resolved, no matter how much you want them to.
The conversation was so real. The feelings, since they were unresolved, came flying back into dream-me’s mouth. I want you back, I said. Apparently, I miss him… I don’t know if I miss him, or the feeling of having someone. I am always under the impression that the drunk versions or dream versions of ourselves don’t lie. They tell the truth.
Stone cold sober, reality versions of ourselves can lie. They can make the choice to lie or to tell the truth. And oftentimes, they choose the former. I can lie to people that the idea of him still doesn’t bother me. It does. I still haven’t seen him, except for those passing glances when I was substituting at work about a month ago, and he was there and wearing red pants. I couldn’t help but be amused.
But the feelings that go with what happened, those aren’t even slightly amusing. They are full of distrust, hatred, competitiveness, denial, hoping, praying, wishing, fear. The dreams that I have, when I haven’t even been thinking about him, make me realize that somehow he has found his way inside my mind and will always be engraved there, for as long as I am alive. Dream-me might choose to want him back, but I have to be strong. There is no way having him in my life at all would ever be a good thing.
I will never be able to confront him, something I don’t think dream-me even considered. I don’t want to be around him. He brought way too much negativity, self-loathing, and pain into my life. I don’t want to erase what happened: how would I learn then? But, I do want to be able to move forward. It’s so frustrating that dream-me brought him back into my life. But, unfortunately, it happened.
So, as I sit here today, on week two of my stay-cation, I am going to focus on what I need. I spent three years of my life focusing on him, and I am almost at another two of being alone. I’m ready to grab life by the horns, full throttle, kick my dreams in the butt, and start surrendering myself to meeting my goals head on.