lonely.

I think I’m doing so well, but then… I am put on vacation. It’s not like I don’t appreciate having free time or a break from work, but I am not good at managing boredom at all.

About a day or two in, when all my friends have gone back to work for the week, that feeling creeps in. You know that one where you are listless and not even sure what to do with yourself? I don’t even know a great word to describe it, but lonely is as close as I am going to be able to get.

I just want it to go away all of the time. I can’t even fathom why it creeps up on me. Today, I spent 6 hours at the beach alone, reading a novel, basking in the sun, and then to only find out that I would still continue to spend more time alone. At about dinner time, my mind began to crumble.

I can’t help it. I feel so lost sometimes. I am definitely an extrovert. I do love my “me time” but when I am on two weeks of vacation straight (stay-cation, if you will) I forget that I am a worthwhile individual.

I start thinking thoughts like everyone forgot about me or no one wants to hang out with me or my favorite I will always be alone. Damnit, I want to stop thinking these intrusive thoughts. I want to feel that it’s perfectly okay to spend 6 hours at the beach, alone, with only my thoughts and a book to keep me company, and then to go home and continue to be alone.

I think the thing that doesn’t help the most is when my roommates aren’t home or when they spend the night away. I feel even more lost. Living in a three bedroom house, you expect it to be a bustle of activity. You expect people to stop in and out, you expect to cook meals with your roommates, you expect your friends to be around. That’s the hardest part of this vacation: my friends haven’t been around.

I could sit here and complain about my life and how shitty it is to be on stay-cation all night long, but I need to get my positivity back. I need to remind myself that I am a young, somewhat attractive, freaking hilarious, smart, and soon to be successful young woman. I need to remind myself that it’s okay to feel lonely, to feel left out, to feel completely lost in this world. Everyone goes through it at some point. I just need to grasp whatever productivity during the next week and a half of vacation that I can possibly muster. I need to drag myself out of bed, enjoy as much sunshine as possible, hangout with as many friends as possible while still appreciating my me-time.

It’s okay to be lonely. It’s normal. Humans are social individuals. I just need to stop letting my loneliness drag me down into that spiral that you feel as though you can’t escape. I just need to be okay with myself.

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4 thoughts on “lonely.

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