free.

Ultimately, my life is going to experience some changes. As I did a little bit of job searching today, I found myself questioning my every move. What am I even doing?

I honestly have no idea. After sitting through almost a full week of training about trauma, I almost felt as though I was exactly where I needed to be all week. Which is strange because I have been trying to run away from this job for a while now. Each time I get a spare moment, which isn’t even all that often, I try and search or apply for jobs. It becomes more and more of a let down each time.

I don’t have the right agree for this job. I don’t have any supervisory experience but I fit all of the other qualities that they need. I don’t know how to build a website. I don’t know how to do any accounting, but I can do all the other things that they will need me to do.

Three weeks ago I had an interview. They have not called me or given me a decision. An email was sent from the lady who interviewed me that we would “talk soon”. I have called twice this week, both times I have been informed that she is very busy, and is going to call me back. Yesterday the secretary even told me that they were understaffed. I want to point out that it takes five seconds to respond to an email or write an email. Five seconds.

Well, maybe that’s an exaggeration. I have become so repulsed by the whole thing that I told a friend that I am done calling. I don’t like feeling like I’ve been harassing anyone. Let alone for an entry level position that has taken three weeks to make a decision. For all I know, they’ve hired someone else and just haven’t told me. Great.

So, after feeling all that frustration with my job search, I was sitting in training today, and I had this strange feeling. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. No, I don’t think I will stay in the social work field for my career, ultimately, but I did feel a sense of belonging. I wasn’t unhappy with my job anymore. I couldn’t wait to use the things that I had been taught during training while helping my client to achieve her goals.

Maybe I am not done working with my current client. Maybe I am not as done with this job as I thought I was.

It was honestly sort of freeing. I have experienced more freedom today with my job than I have felt in a long time. Maybe because I got a good night’s sleep and was at work on time for the first time in forever. Maybe I felt less depressed since the information I have been taking in all week gives me hope. It gives me hope for my current position and gives me hope that in the future I will make a difference.

All I have to do is figure out when and how I am going to get there.

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