free.

So today I am supposed to do a free write as part of the writing 101 blogging group that I am joining for the month of june… I am going to do my absolute best to stick with this challenge every week day, so any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated as I move forward with this blogging project!

It is getting harder and harder to sit at work and do my job. I was at work today doing my daily progress notes-which I do every day- and I wrote the same sentence twice and almost wrote it a third time. I could not help but chuckle at myself yet feel slightly annoyed with myself because then I had to take the time to delete the stupid extra sentences. Now, I could take the easy route like so many of my other coworkers do, and copy and paste the note into a word document and copy, paste, and edit as needed… As much as my job has really been bugging me lately, I have never been that person who goes for the unprofessional route of not writing my notes from scratch.

Maybe it’s the inner writer in me dying to come out and fight for myself? I am not sure. All I know is the things my coworkers do are really starting to bug me. Hell, everything about my company is starting to bug me. I don’t think I am burnt out, I think that I simply am ready for a change.

At this conference I went to over April vacation, they talked about burning out and vicarious trauma and all those things that prevent people from doing their job correctly in my field. The more I think about it, the more I don’t think I am suffering from any sort of job-induced black out type occurrence. I think that I am just tired of the way the company is run. I am tired of being under appreciated since I am the staff person who stays until I am supposed to stay, and attempts to stay late on the days when I get to work late.

I am the person who participates in staff meetings and takes notes. I don’t do my progress notes at times when I am not supposed to, I do them at the end of the day like I was told to do from day one. So, when my bosses were shitting on me, it was really hard for me to keep my mouth shut and not tell on all the other people who aren’t doing their jobs. I hate that I am free-writing about work, but I couldn’t help but think today about how much I want out, how much I want better for myself. I want a job where the fact that I write my progress notes from scratch or the fact that I work a normal 8 hour day with no breaks matters to my superiors and I actually get praised for doing my job the right way.

I don’t know what I want out of life, but I do know if I don’t begin making changes, then my brain is going to explode with all the creativity inside of it that is not being used up. I spend way too much time worrying, and not enough time doing. Do I have issues with anxiety? I definitely think so. How much of it is job related? If not all of it, then most of it. It’s sad when you can’t even put aside the animosity you feel towards your job to make a decent blog post about an entirely different subject. Well, that’s just something else I will have to work on, I guess.

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