Just when I thought I was starting to figure it out, I get completely blown away. And not really in a good way, at all. I guess the mountain I have been climbing up suddenly turned into a plateau: a flat land up in the sky, from which it seemed I had no way of coming down from.
What am I going to do now? I kept asking myself. My supervisors asked me if I have any questions. I did not have any questions, for them at least. I don’t know what to do when the job you have been feeling pretty lousy about makes you feel a hundred times worse because it seems like your bosses don’t have faith in you, just like you worried about in the back of your mind.
Why is it when we finally start to do well someone decides it’s a good time to kick us where the sun don’t shine? I will never understand human nature. I will never understand why our superiors continuously seek ways of exacerbating their power. Yes, I know you are my boss, but you essentially took my free will away when you asked me to sit on a couch instead of the table I had chosen. You blinded me by telling me the meeting was about one topic, which I went home and researched, and then instead used the meeting to belittle me and tell me how my job isn’t a good fit.
Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, but this isn’t rocket science. I am not going to do this job forever. In fact, if within the next year I am working someplace else, I won’t be the least bit disappointed. Working for people who never tell you a simple “good job” really sucks. It’s not only kind of detrimental to your self esteem as a professional, but it’s also detrimental to you as a person. Telling someone “you figure this out on your own, we’ve already helped you” is just plain unprofessional.
I could honestly rant about my stupid job all day long. It’s a painful job. I love working with children, but the system is screwed up. It’s screwed up for us as professionals and it’s screwed up for the kids. In the end, the kids are the ones who are really going to be affected by it since they don’t have a choice to get out of it.
However, I need to remind myself that I have a choice. So yes, I cried for a bit, and I was super angry. I also wasted so much time analyzing todays events that I lost sight of who I am. My friend offered me simple advice, knowing that this will not be my forever job.
It’s easier to look for a job when you already have one.
I never really thought about this before, but it’s so true. My plateau is already starting to look like it will become less parallel to the ground. So while I have to be stuck in this job that I dislike, with a company that feels borderline abusive towards me, I am going to start looking farther ahead. I applied to several jobs tonight, some of which I am probably not even qualified for. My hope is that someone out there will see greatness in me that I have no yet been able to show.
My hope is that tomorrow is going to be a little bit brighter. My hope is that, tomorrow, the plateau will once again become a mountain.