I have been putting up so many walls lately. When you’re all alone, it just becomes second nature to simply just protect yourself from everything around you. I’ve been single for essentially two years. Wow. I haven’t gone on a date at all, and any possible dates have been pushed away by one person: ME.
I have felt times in the past where I lost control of everything around me. While my job has been continuing to increase in suckage lately, and I can’t control that, I can control who I talk to. I’ve been getting better at ignoring people when they text me and I don’t want to talk to them. Two years ago me would have never ignored anyone, let alone a possible romantic interest. 18 year old me would have made the first move, and regretted it instantly.
As I have been focusing on improving myself, I have also pushed people away. There have been random guys who have come up to me in bars, and I have told them “I hate you” or “go away” simply because I have been angry at the male species as a whole. I need to stop being so angry. It has not gotten me anywhere. Do you think my ex is angry? Nope. He’s getting married. Married. What the hell.
I keep saying I can’t even get a guy to talk to me, but I certainly can. I haven’t even been remotely trying. It’s been easier to put up a wall so I don’t get hurt. I need to get out my sledge hammer and knock down the wall. I need to peel away at the walls with a screw driver, or maybe a hammer, and reveal what’s underneath. In the end, the only person I am hurting is myself.
There are so many things I am never going to be able to control, but I can control who I talk to. I can tear down walls. If other people have walls up, that’s an entirely different issue. My walls, however, are ready to be torn apart. It’s going to hurt so good.