passive.

I’m not saying I’m a goddess when it comes to not being passive aggressive, but there’s something to be said for when two people are having problems and one person is extremely passive aggressive about it. It makes me not want to figure out what the issue is. I’ve never felt more done with putting in effort.

Maybe when something is dying, I should just learn to put it out. That’s my problem. I’m a fighter. When I’m unsure, I’m a chronic runner and an avoider. When I am sure, when I actually know what I want, I make all attempts to get it. It takes a lot for me to be sure.

Part of this battle was me not even knowing what I wanted from the friendship. But I did know that friendships are supposed to make you feel good about yourself, and I was beginning to feel shittier and shittier about my capacity to be a decent, loved person. When your friend calls you a bitch for expressing your opinion about being left alone at a bar, that’s when you start to crack. When your friend repeatedly asks for your advice and repeatedly ignores any and all advice that you have given, you start to crumble.

It’s bad enough when a person acts like they are the only person who is going through stuff. Of course my decision to put our friendship on a hiatus was hurtful to me, but it was the right decision.  But we all have different ways of handling things. While I have been trying to go to the gym more, trying to find my creativity and figure out my life, things on Facebook have been becoming more and more hurtful. It’s all extremely passive aggressive things that only me and a few others might be aware of, but you might as well write a status that says “hey I am mad at ********” for all I care, you’d still be doing something WRONG.

It’s wrong to bring people down on Facebook. It shows a lot of negative aspects about a person. It’s wrong to call people names, to write statuses about them giving up on you, and you having a life that doesn’t have any room for squares. Just because it seems like I have my life more figured out than you, does not make a square. Just because it seems like I am not struggling, doesn’t mean that it’s true. I struggle every day. I fight an inner battle every day. I am fighting to find myself and the me I am turning into does not want to seek any passive aggressive attention.

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