dignity.

So this year, one of my unofficial new years resolutions has been to be more open and honest. I have told myself to speak up when something is wrong, or when I feel like I have the knowledge of how to improve something. I also need to be more honest with myself, and it’s something I am working on. It’s sometimes hard to be truthful towards those around me when something is really bothering me. I tend to hide it if there is something truly important on my mind. 

With that being said, where is the line between keeping your mouth shut and speaking the truth? When is it absolutely necessary? I haven’t found the perfect moments to speak my mind, but I can tell you, after I do, I feel relieved. 

Some things that have been running through my mind come to being ignored. When is it okay to just say “it’s my pet peeve when people ignore me”? Honestly, it’s not even that person’s fault, but my past relationship left me feeling very insecure. I was ignored for months before it ended, which in the end, made the break up worse. It’s impossible for me to tell what people are thinking when they ignore me.

I am going to go out on a whim here, and say that the guy who ignores me probably doesn’t want to date me, like he said he did. I argued with myself all day about whether or not to say something, and when I finally did, it was a relief. He responded with a lame apology, and I was able to hit delete and not continue the conversation. 

The more I thought about it, the more i realized that I only have my dignity left to lose. There is not much pain that this guy can cause me that I haven’t already felt. There’s not much more hurt that he can cause me that I haven’t already come up with my own solution for how to deal with. My dignity is pretty much gone, because my self-esteem went a long time ago. I haven’t been on a date with anyone new for almost 5 years, and the only way I am going to be able to get there is to put myself out there. And to be honest. Because when I was honest, it made this guy start talking to me less, made me lose my patience, and showed me that he isn’t really a good person if he can’t take a girl telling him that it’s not okay to bail or to ignore her. Let’s face it, this should be common sense.

I can’t help it if I am a strong(ish), independent woman who is desperately trying to speak her mind. My dignity is gone already, and I have nothing left to lose. My walls have been stripped down, and my hope has been ruined over and over. My will power is this, don’t give me anything that you wouldn’t be able to handle yourself. You’re going down. 

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