selfishness.

So today I am going to ramble about something that might seem quite random, but is very close to my heart and soul right now. I am talking about being mean. Purposeless, insulting, meanness that is due to some selfish drive inside of someone. I am so curious what motivates people to be mean and where on earth our polite customs have gone.

I remember in middle school when it was “cool to be mean”. All the “popular” kids, who wouldn’t have anything to do with me by the way- I tried, were so cold and completely unwilling to make any new friends. They had already established themselves, and looking back on it, who was I to mess with their social status? They had power (since all the teachers seemed to like them regardless of their grades or participation in class), they had few rules (my parents restricted everything I did up until I went off to college), and they had the clothes- all the latest, newest, trendiest clothing because either their parents had the money or they stole it from older siblings or from the stores themselves.

Let me tell you what I was like in middle school. I didn’t have braces, but I should have had them in order to justify my awkwardness. I owned like 3 shirts that I liked and they probably were all from good will or a sale rack at J.C. Penny. I burned my favorite pair of jeans that I had somehow convinced my mom to spend money on by leaving them on the heater to dry and then being in such a hurry I left them there all day. I was a teacher’s pet, always raising my hand in class and hoping to be called on, and I was a social outcast. Not only was I terribly and outwardly nerdy, I barely had any friends because when it came down to it, I was incredibly shy. My parents were extremely strict, which never left me to get into any kind of trouble because I had no concept of what trouble was. I had many crushes on several different boys, and I remember slow dancing with one of them and wondering if that guy could ever like me. Needless to say, I think I tried friending him on Facebook years later, and he could not deny my friend request fast enough.

Anyways, enough about me. I already have exemplified that I am quiet nerdy and quite geeky (I like to use those words interchangeably because I honestly do not know the difference) and still don’t always fit in with my peers. At the current moment, I feel so ancient compared to other 24 year olds. I already have started saying I am 25, even though my birthday is not until April, because I honestly feel like I am in my early 30s. I don’t really know how it got to this point.

My old, awkward, socially completely unaware 7th grade self might be ashamed of me. While that me was mean only a handful of times that I can remember, that me would have never made some of the choices I have made in regards to picking out some of my current friends. Yes, I didn’t always say something when someone was picking on me, whether it was a friend, foe, or popular person, but I knew that someday I would overcome my shyness and have the ability to speak up. And I did overcome it, when college came along. But sometimes I wait way too long to say what needs to be said. And it gets me into trouble.

I have been used by a particular friend for over a year now and this friend is one of the heaviest drinkers I have ever met, with a whole host of other personal problems. As a working 24 year old, I really do not see the point in going out to drink heavily on a tuesday or wednesday night, simply because it is a waste of money and I have to work in the morning. I do not think is it reasonable to be mean while drunk and then apologize for being a “crazy bitch.” I am very firmly under the complete belief that drunk people say truths that they are too afraid to say while sober.

And clearly, me speaking up much later did not solve the problem. But, I still can’t believe that there are people in their mid to late 20s who think it’s okay to post statuses on Facebook about other people. It is not okay to do that when you feel someone has been mean to you. I said what I needed to say, in private. I thought about my words VERY carefully. The point of what I said was completely ignored and then on Facebook I have been targeted indirectly. I know the posts are about me but I am at a loss for what to do about them. The friend talks about a new year with new friends, completely forgetting that we are still her friends.

My advice to you, dear readers, it to stay an adult. Yes, emotions take hold and we drink too much and we worry and freak out, but it does not give us the right to be completely and totally insulting on Facebook or in person. You as a drunk are still responsible for what you say, what you do, and how you say what you choose to say. No one else makes you say it. It is not your disease, it’s not your mental health or your ex boyfriend or the whiskey. You are responsible for you and if you choose to hurt the ones around you PUBLICLY, then you can accept the consequences. And if you can’t do it gracefully, just go back to middle school and learn the lessons all over again.

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