I am less than 6 months away from turning twenty five and the thought of turning twenty five absolutely and utterly terrifies me. Sure, I have a bachelor’s degree and a few years of job experience, but I feel as though I haven’t accomplished anything professionally. Romantically, I am feeling as thought I am pretty much screwed.
Four odd years ago I met someone that I thought I was going to marry and when it ended a year ago, it did not end in a way that was pretty or comforting at all. Your world becomes completely shattered when you realize the person you thought you loved with all your heart and soul, the person who you thought you would do anything for, the person who you thought you would be able to make it through it all, side by side, is a lying train wreck who cares for no one but himself. (Clearly, don’t get me started on this).
I took the reins and ended the relationship as soon as I realized I had really been lied to. Yes, I had my suspicions but love and my big heart clouded my judgement. As someone who spends a lot of time daydreaming, spacing out, analyzing, and milling over every single detail of every single experience and thought in my life, it really shocks me that I let my heart be tread on so much. Am I weak, not so much now, but very much so a year ago.
I would just like to point out that said ex-boyfriend was able to find a new relationship while we were still together. Behind my back. While I, with my big heart and broken soul, have remained totally and completely unattached. I have fleeting attractions towards men that do not last and have hurt people in the process of working on my tormented soul. I have some regrets about this, but at the same time, I have acknowledged and repeatedly emphasized to others around me that I am simply not myself.
How could I be myself? Professionally, I am totally lost, not sure what my next career move would be, and just getting by in my current position knowing that it is not my forever job. I live in a place that I am not sure if it will even be my forever home, although I do really enjoy being in this city. The dilemma is that while I have put countless amounts of energy into fixing myself and bettering myself, I have not been meeting men.
I am not really sure where they are or how it became so difficult to find them. I remember in college when there were men everywhere and it was easy to have a few options. There are no options now. Straight men these days are either taken (married, in a serious relationship) or slutty (one night stand types or it’s okay to juggle more than one woman at a time). Why would I even bother? I am going to end up becoming a broken-hearted girl who falls in love with a man slut who is not interested in anything serious, a homewrecker, or a slut. None of these options really appeal to me. I already am broken hearted, have been broken hearted in the past, and do not wish to be let down further. I don’t want to be a homewrecker because I know how much it hurts to have that done to you. And a slut? Just, no. Absolutely not.
This reminds me of my previous post where I said that my generation is pretty much falling apart. I am not even looking for anything serious. I would, however, enjoy it if some good-looking guy that I don’t really know that well asked me out to dinner or to coffee or to go to a movie or anything that involves NOT BEING PICKED UP IN A BAR. Let’s face it, the only guys who have the balls to say anything are drunk. I have looked at my options on online dating, too. They are creepy.
So no, I am not looking for love, and I am probably not even looking for a relationship. I do want to know, how on earth did it get to this point where people in their 20s cant even find potential dates without being drunk or slutty or going online? All I want is to have an excuse to go to DSW and buy some new heels (probably boots since it’s getting so cold) and a cute outfit to go along with the shoes, and not have to pay for my meal or cook for just myself for a change. I just want a night out on the town so I can feel alive, attractive, and good about myself.