moody.

Lately, I’ve just been getting into these dark moods. Sometimes they last a few hours, sometimes they last all day. All I know is I feel like I’m really stuck. It feels impossible right now.

I feel lonely but then I don’t feel like being around people. I feel like I love my job but I hate my job. I feel like I’m always messing up.

I keep looking at apartments that I can’t even come close to affording and just pray that a miracle will happen and I will make just a little bit more money so I can afford to move out of my parents’ basement. I feel like a failure. I feel like what was the point of going to grad school and getting a teaching job, just like I wanted, because now I’m covered in graduate debt.

I wanted to move to Boston but I didn’t want to be stuck in my parents’ basement…. I wanted to be a teacher but I wanted to have enough money to support myself… If I get an apartment, with how expensive the rent is, I won’t be able to.

I literally have to choose between my freedom or having enough money for food, and it’s driving me nuts. Nobody should have to do this that works hard at a full-time job and has a masters degree.

Sometimes achieving your dreams is still painful… I guess this is the price I pay for going back to school.

It’s so frustrating.

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awareness.

I think that everyone should think about this before they speak because sometimes it hurts. In a world where it seems like everyone is all coupled up, us single people generally end up taking the hit.

We don’t have a default person to spend weekends with.

We don’t have a partner in crime to go to the grocery store with. We show up to parties alone, having sat around all day waiting for the party to start.

We drive alone to family gatherings and basically any event where we are meant to socialize with other people.

And then it’s especially hard for us single people who don’t have a lot of friends nearby.

And then we reach out to married friends, who happen to live nearby, hoping to connect and always always always end up feeling like shit.

If you’re married and super busy, please don’t complain to your single friends that you are too busy. Like damn. I wish I had real problems to complain about, too. I am not trying to sound mean or full of myself, but nothing cuts deeper than someone who’s happily married, independent, out in the world, not living in their parents’ basement complaining about how being so busy sucks.

Here’s the thing, if you’re happily married and busy like that, you have the ability to say no to people. If you’re the awkward, lonely, single person, then you can say no, but it would only be to your detriment.

You basically sit around waiting on other people to invite you to stuff. Maybe if you were married then it would happen more. It’s bad enough to watch friend after friend find their soulmates, over and over. And then to be made to feel bad about yourself because you don’t have life.

Just be aware of your single friends, married folk. They need TLC that sometimes you overlook. They need to feel like they are part of your life. If you claim someone is your best friend, then don’t make them feel bad about being single because chances are they are already miserable and don’t need your help to make it worse.

If I ever get married, I’m holding myself accountable for this. I want to be that friend that if I ever have my own place again will make sure that no one I care about ever feels alone like I have been feeling lately. I never want anyone I love to sit around and wish they had someone to spend time with. I never want anyone I love to feel so incredibly left out all the time.

I finally had friends to do things with this weekend, and then someone had to complain that they are too busy. I’ve been waiting for months to feel busy. Married people, be aware about your single friend’s feelings. It’s super important.

scream.

Today I am feeling super frustrated. I am frustrated at the amount of tests my students are required to take. I am frustrated that if students are absent, my school expects me to have them miss their recess/lunch time to finish their exams, on a day that is already super long.

I am also frustrated that my school requires us to stay for after school tutoring/helping with parent pick up. I have never seen anything like it, from all the schools I worked at. Students are allowed to come up to our classrooms at 8 am, even though the school day doesn’t start until 8:30. Our contract is 8:00-4:30, which is a really really long day. We get there around 7:30 because we don’t have any morning prep time in our classrooms since students are allowed up so early. Some of the buses are always late so we don’t usually get to start until 8:45.

We then work our butts off doing stuff, and then are required to spend our lunch (which is the kids’ recess and lunch) with them making up tests. We also are required to tutor for 2 days a week and help out at dismissal with the other 3. This means we are being forced to work from 3:50 to 4:30, not doing the things we need to be doing in our classroom. I usually have been staying at work from 7:30 until 6:00 pm because I have no time before or after school to get anything done if I don’t.

This means that it takes me 30 minutes to get to school and over an hour to get home since I hit such bad traffic. I am at my wits end. I usually do about an hour of work after dinner each night. I spend 4+ hours on Saturdays preparing for my lessons for the following week. And this week my supervisor said I need to include more games in my lessons, when I don’t have time to do anything anyways already?

One of the classes I teach has horrible behaviors. One of the classes is talkative, but I am slowly gaining some control (maybe?).

How do I teach 30 kids in two classes? How do I balance my life? I want to go to a yoga class on a weeknight… I don’t see why this is such a problem. I don’t think I am asking for much.

I feel weighed down because I am not making enough money to move out of my parents basement and potentially make the commute easier. I don’t have enough money saved up to buy a condo or something. All I do is work. Is this going to change when I am no longer a first-year teacher?

I graded 120 tests this week. Next week I will grade 60 writing exams. The week after that will be 120 again. When do the kids get a break? When do I get a break? Is all of this testing actually making them successful human beings?!

I am angry at the world today.

weddings.

Man oh man, I know weddings are about the two people getting married and all but I don’t understand all the drama behind them. I guess because I’ve never had one of my own, but I’ve attended a lot and worked even more weddings (from when I was a dj assistant). I know this isn’t about me, but it’s kind of hard not to feel that way.

Let me explain… I have a close friend from college, 11 years to be exact, that I consider one of my best friends, even if we don’t talk that much. Apparently that view is one-sided. I asked months ago if I was invited to his wedding, since I know his bride too, since we all went to college together. He said yes. Except I asked him when I was drunk and then forgot. So sober me asked again and he told me of course!

Don’t tell someone that they’re invited when they are not. It’s tacky and hurtful and downright insulting.

Anyways, time goes by and of course, no invite or word on what’s happening. So I ask again, and he asks for my address… nothing comes in the mail. I don’t think anything of it, thinking it’s maybe a late fall wedding or something.

Then, I get an invite via Facebook to go to the bachelorette party. Then I start getting suspicious that I’m not invited because I haven’t heard a damn thing. So then I ask the girl who’s putting on the bachelorette thing when the wedding is. September 30th. So, not a late fall wedding but less than 2 weeks away.

The GROOM texts me and asks me if I can make it to the bachelorette but doesn’t say anything about the wedding. I’m starting to get super annoyed and confused. They change the date of the bachelorette to TWO DAYS before the wedding. I am still invited. They are sending me messages to see if I can drive down 2 hours away, on a FRIDAY, TWO DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING.

Anyways, I asked the groom again if I’m invited. He says that I can probably go to the reception but the ceremony is small and reserved for family and he will let me know. A few more days go by, the wedding is less than a week away, and I still haven’t heard if I am invited to the damn wedding. I text again. No reply. I text the next day, and he finally replies that he has too many family members and there was nothing he could do. My heart breaks into a million pieces and I start sobbing in my car as I am driving home from work (which really isn’t all that safe).

I cried for the fact that someone could do this to another human being. If I say you’re invited to something, especially something as important as my wedding, you’re invited. Unless we have a huge falling out and you sleep with my future husband and stab me in the back or something, you are still invited.

I cried because it made me feel awkward to nag him about being invited to his wedding if I wasn’t wanted there.

I cried because it made me feel like our friendship was over and that I didn’t matter to him (or her).

I cried because it was super awkward to be invited to the bachelorette thing but not the wedding. I also felt that since I hadn’t heard directly from the bride herself that I wasn’t wanted at the bachelorette party either.

I cried because time goes by way too fast sometimes and I just can’t handle it.

So basically, this week hasn’t been my favorite week. I just spent the entire day alone instead of at the wedding of two people who I really care about. I just realized that I probably don’t matter to them as much as they matter to me.

I hate having feelings, guys.

***

PS. I didn’t go to the bachelorette thing. I was feeling too sad and awkward and didn’t want to deal with being uncomfortable and stressed out the whole time. I don’t know if it was the right decision, but it’s what I did.

Typical.

Let me show you a typical scene from a day in my classroom so far….

Mind you, we are just starting week 5, but this is the kind of stuff I have to deal with lately….

We only have 45 minutes to take a rigorous social studies exam on chapter 1. The kids were extremely behind in social studies due to all the chatting and arguing, which was making lessons take super long. I have pushed their exam a week later due to being so behind. Mind you, if the students had been paying attention during social studies… but it doesn’t seem so simple when you are a 9 year old.

The period starts off with one of my students repeatedly banging his fists on his desk because an hour ago some random girl touched him in the hallway and he didn’t like it. Needless to say, he had responded by making some very strange noises at the girl instead of asking for help, making himself look equally guilty. And he’s not just lightly banging, he’s banging so hard that I’m wondering why more kids aren’t furious at him.

My next kid becomes furious… and I mean furious. He begins screaming at me and the other kid. He screams how he needs help and nobody is listening to him when I tell him to be quiet because the other kids need to focus.

Meanwhile, my one kid who’s off his meds right now, and can’t help himself, is rolling around on the floor and talking to himself. Anytime he comes across a new question, he says “I can’t do this” and then proceeds to wander around the classroom until I can corral him back to his desk for another 5 seconds.

My girl who talks out a lot begins to yell at me too, because she is frustrated because everyone is talking. So instead of being quiet, she adds to the noise. Halfway through the test she realizes her yellow pencil sharpener is missing and yells at me across the room that someone stole it (in the middle of half the class still taking their exam)… Then begins to pull all of her stuff out of the desk, loudly, throwing it on the floor and making miserable grunting noises, looking for her missing pencil sharpener.

Meanwhile, another girl who can’t read at all, and needs to have the questions all read to her, is pulling on my sleeve asking when the special ed teacher is going to show up to pull her out. The special ed teacher somehow misses the memo and doesn’t show up for the entire testing period.

Meanwhile, the other kid is still yelling at his desk about how no one will help him, and the other kid is still banging on his desk. I finally get the one kiddo to stop banging on his desk, and then the other kid begins to scream louder and cry. I eventually call the office to ask for an administrator to talk to him because at this point it has been 10+ minutes of listening to his nonsense while the other kids are trying super hard to take their tests.

When I walk away to deal with something, the girl who can’t read gets mad and throws a different kid’s books on the ground and goes to storm out of the room. I call her back to her seat, but now the other kid is crying. I tell her it wasn’t fair to take her anger out on the other kid, make her apologize and then read her the next question on the test. I then go between reading her the next question, checking in on the wandering kid, and answering any of the other million questions from the other kids.

This is what happens when you have 31 kids in a tiny classroom that was an office last year… This is what happens when our school systems aren’t regulated and students aren’t given access to the hands on curriculum that they so desperately need. This is what it looks like when you send 9 year old kids to a school that has a test-based curriculum.

This is what it looks like when you have a first-year teacher trying to give a social studies exam to 31 kids.

Survive.

Well, I did it guys! I survived the first week of my first teaching job EVER! It was very difficult and strenuous, and the temperature was 95 degrees the entire week, but I made it. Here are all the things I managed to do this week…

During my first week of being a teacher ever I…

– made the same kid cry two days in a row
– made myself cry pretty hard
– had to go to urgent care because of a UTI (which symptoms initially I just thought was from all the stress, so, my bad)
– yelled at my kids, even though I am not supposed to
– made a mistake but then blamed the kids, who probably were thinking how their new teacher is an idiot
– made a girl run out of my classroom because I gave her a warning
– got a big, squishy hug on my third day
– correctly sent a kid to the nurse (he had a 99.5 degree fever and she sent him home!)
– kept an explosive kid moderately calm during two days of 45-minute dismissals in 95 degree heat
– was repeatedly followed around my classroom by multiple kids simultaneously, whilst actually trying to teach a lesson
– caused a huge argument by assigning two kids to be the line leader (I had figured they could just take turns but a different kid couldn’t handle it).
– got called “rude” when I told one kid he couldn’t interrupt me in the middle of a lesson
– pulled multiple kids away from my window (because we do have the best view in the whole building but it is super distracting)
– read one class Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing due to having extra time but got behind in the other section
– spent a lot of time talking to my partner teacher instead of actually getting work done
– continuously forgot to tell my kids to label their textbooks and forgot to do it myself
– forgot to give my kids snack :/ (sorry guys)
– survived my first three days of my teaching career!! 🙂

I would say all-in-all, just being able to get through such a hectic week was pretty miraculous. I couldn’t believe how much work teaching 30 kids simultaneously could be, but I somehow made it work…

lost.

This summer I’ve been barely working. I’ve been working my tutoring job but I get these weird two to four hour shifts in the afternoon and have to spend my whole day planning around them. I feel so stressed out on the days I have to work since I spend the whole day just waiting for work to start. Yesterday was my last day there, and I’ll miss the kids, but I won’t miss working in the evenings when I could be enjoying time with people or cooking a healthy dinner.

In good news, I finally got a teaching job. But it doesn’t start until Tuesday. So I’ve been patiently waiting, requesting every single teaching book I can from the library that somehow I hope will miraculously help me as a first-year teacher. I’ve been waiting and wanting this job since I can remember. I don’t think it feels real yet, I think that’s the problem.

I’ve been listening to all these podcasts and trying to find self-help books that help me continue to heal but I just feel terribly lost.

I don’t know if I’ll be a good teacher. I think I’m still scarred from how horrible some of the parts of my grad program were. How horribly some teachers treated me when I was a student teacher.

I’m scarred from how some of the teachers at work treated me this year as a para, and I’m vowing not to do that to ANY of the paras I work with throughout my career. I will tell paras directly what I want them to do or change. I will invite them to baby showers or other social events because they are people too! And let’s face it, schools cannot get by without paras. I think all teachers should be required to be a para before they get their own classroom, then they will have a unique perspective of the elementary/middle/high school experience that they might not have otherwise had.

I’m still seeing tinder boy. Not sure if he’s my boyfriend. I think that’s another reason why I feel lost. Why do I feel like I need a label? I’m still so screwed up from my past relationships that I often have nightmares.

I realized this week that I don’t randomly break out into song anymore. I’ve lost my music. I used to obsessively sing and write down song lyrics so I wouldn’t lose them.

I don’t do that anymore. Maybe I’m not as okay as I thought.

I do feel blessed that someone had enough faith in me to finally hire me as a teacher. I’m still getting daily rejection emails from all the schools I applied to over the past 6 months.

Maybe there’s so much change all at once that I’m shutting down? I can’t wait to get my first paycheck and shove as much of it as I can into my savings account.

I know I’ll have to rely deeply on this blog as I begin my first year as a classroom teacher. Hopefully once I meet my students I won’t feel so lost anymore.

Dilemma.

****

This year has been another really difficult year for me. I don’t think anything will ever top how terrible 2017 was, so I am optimistic that 2018 is most likely only going to get better. I’m taking it day by day, trying to work on myself as I go. And sometimes when I have the impulse to write, I have to go with it. Otherwise, the inspiration gets lost and the writing never makes it onto paper.

In February, I found a local yoga studio and decided that I would try to go there. During my February vacation, I did the unlimited discounted 30 day trial and it was amazing and I found myself going to yoga a lot. When my regular routine started back up again, with working the 2 jobs, a 12-hour workday, and a 14+ hour day that I was out of the house, I found myself not being able to find the time to go to yoga. I thrive on routine and I was just not able to find a regular yoga class that would fit in with my crappy schedule. I guess I could have tried harder, but I’ve already beat myself up enough about it, so I’m just going to try and move forward.

I went for a few months before I met the owner of the yoga studio. She was taking over the restorative yoga class that I had been to a few times because the usual yoga teacher couldn’t be there. I had heard so many amazing things about this woman. She was moving to New Zealand soon and had made the decision to sell her studio to someone else. She trained many of the amazing yoga teachers that I had taken classes.

I try to be really nice to people, and I try not to judge as best as I can, but this woman was a complete let down. I introduced myself and she asked me what I was hoping to gain from yoga class tonight. I then told her about all of the painful things (in a brief summary) that had been dragging me down lately. And then I told her how the worst of all was that I couldn’t afford to move out of my parents’ basement and that was the most draining out of all of it. Instead of being kind to me, she told me that I needed to stop making excuses and that there’s always a way and that she had always lived on her own and didn’t have any family to rely on.

I know I make excuses sometimes, but when your student loans are $700 a month and your paycheck is $700 every two weeks, it’s not an excuse, it’s basic math. Because there simply wasn’t a way for me to pay rent and my student loans on such a tiny salary. It wasn’t possible and I was struggling with the feeling of being stuck. I was feeling totally lost and hopeless and this woman crushed me.

Anyways, I have thought about this encounter on and off for months! I can’t get it out of my head. Because I know how many millennials are struggling nowadays. Yes there are some millennials who do those dumb internet challenges and drink their brains away, but there are some of us (like myself) who are trying to better themselves despite all of the horrific challenges and tragedies they have to face.

Did you know the birthrate is at such a low point in the United States that it’s not enough to keep the current population rates? When my parents were 29, they were married and working on buying their first home and were pregnant with me. I am 29 and the possibility of buying a home is impossible at this point. I have decent credit but no way to pay for a mortgage, let alone provide the down payment that realtors will need in order to sell me a house. There’s no possible way I can even think about having kids, even if I did have a husband. We’d both have to work since the cost of living is so expensive. We’d never see each other because we’d be constantly working or stressing ourselves out with the duties that come with owning a home.

So yeah, yoga lady, you might have been able to do it all by yourself 20 years ago, but some of us really don’t have that luxury. There is an entire generation of us who struggle to meet the basic financial necessities to be a human. (And yes, I know many of my peers who are doing quite well, but the majority of us aren’t, compared to what past generations were doing). 30 years ago, there could be one breadwinner for the entire family and everyone would be comfortable. People would work together and support one another, but they could also get by without support. Now, if you’re in a helping profession, like teaching, you have to rely on a spouse or family members in order to make ends meet.

So let me ask her this, how on earth was I supposed to live alone and support myself making $1400 a month when the average cost of a one bedroom apartment in the Boston area is approximately $1800?

The numbers really don’t add up here. This is a huge dilemma that I struggle with daily. How can I be happy if I can’t even pay all of my bills on my own?

****

Kindness.

Random Ramblings’ 10 Acts of Kindness
(To Pass On Good Karma)

***

It seems like basic manners are gone from the world these days. You can be a good citizen and human being and pass on the good karma with these simple acts.

1. Hold the door for the person behind you.

2. When you’re driving, stop for pedestrians if it’s safe to do so. (And pedestrians, please use the cross walk if it’s close by!)

3. Don’t agree to something if you’re not actually going to do it.

4. Give compliments whenever and wherever possible.

5. Start a chat with a new or temporary person at work. (I always try to connect with subs at my school job!)

6. Let that person who’s in front of you waiting make that left turn.

7. Don’t tailgate people who are already speeding. Especially at night. It’s really hard to see!

8. Go out of your way to offer help. Carry the box. Write that email. Support people!

9. If your roommate/spouse doesn’t like a specific chore, secretly do it for them!

10. Give the person/friend you’re with that $1 bill if they are short.

***

Update.

I have barely had time for anything lately, especially writing! I basically just work and work and work since I have two jobs. Now that I have weekends off I have been trying to keep myself busy and distracted and it usually is working… It leaves me little time to get emotional but also has not really given me much time to get back to writing…

On Sunday I turned 29! I literally can’t believe that I am in my last year of my twenties, especially because I practically still look like a 12 year old. I guess somewhere down the road I will appreciate my younger-looking face. A few weeks ago I was at a bowling alley and ordered a drink. The waitress asked me for collateral since the rule is you need it if you are 25 or younger. I told her like 6 times “I don’t need collateral”, but I’m not sure if she even heard me or believed me. And then when she IDed me, she was like “oh wow you don’t need collateral, why didn’t you say anything?” *face palm*

On my birthday, which was overall a decent day, my ex decided that he needed to text me “hey.. happy birthday”. That sent me off on a rampage and has not left me feeling so great this week. Which is horrible since I am on vacation this week. I spent Sunday night tossing and turning and woke up Monday morning feeling like I hadn’t made any progress. My heart felt like it was broken all over again.

But then tinder guy came to the rescue! So far we have been on 3 dates, and all 3 times my IBS has been horrific… I’ve done my best to hide it from him, but I just get so nervous that I’m super uncomfortable. He has been super nice. This week, he is away in DC for work, but when I told him I was in a bad mood, he FaceTimed me all the way from DC. It made me feel a lot better even though he didn’t even know what was wrong. He keeps saying he wants to make me smile because he loves my smile. I don’t know if he’s full of shit or literally actually likes me. I don’t want to say anything to my parents either, what if I jinx it?!

It seems too good to be true. Trying not to mess it up like I usually do.

I have applied for 20 teaching jobs this week, just trying my best to be optimistic! I would literally cry with happiness every day if someone took a chance on me and gave me my own classroom. I would have so much work to do over the summer, but having my dream job would make it all worth it!