There are some people who are just innately good at relationships.
I am not one of those people.
I am one of the women who fall under the “women who always pick the wrong men” category. Sometimes, I wonder if it would be easier if I were just a lesbian, but then I have a sweet love session with a guy and I know that’s never going to happen.
The point is, I have been burned. So burned. I’ve been burned by people I thought I could trust with my heart and soul. My trash of an ex boyfriend decided that he wanted to move to Russia, keep me waiting for him here, and then found his “Russian bride”. One guy took my virginity, even though it was absolutely terrifying, then decided that he wasn’t actually that into me.
One guy led me on for a year, wished me a happy anniversary, and then broke up with me four days later. One guy broke up with me because he wanted to become a tattoo artist. One guy broke up with me because I got anxiety when he couldn’t afford to come over to my house and I offered to pay for his gas. One guy pushed me and then stopped talking to me anyways, no closure whatsoever.
Clearly I have picked some winners in my life. Why am I talking about all of this? I don’t really know, other than the fact that I thought if someone out there is reading this and I can warn them when bad things could potentially happen, than maybe that would be helpful. Maybe, I am just feeling a little lost lately and need to ramble about random shit. Who knows.
Here are some red flags that I learned along the way and what you can learn from them, too:
1. If the person you are currently dating decides they are moving to another country for a year, either force them to take you with them, or end it. They will most likely cheat on you or cause you to feel pain beyond anything you thought was even remotely possible.
2. If they are going to some random boring country like Russia, where you have no interest in going, and they refuse to go to someplace cool like Japan, and still go to Russia or the other place without you, end it.
3. If a guy does not care about your orgasm at all, then he is trash and doesn’t deserve to be a man in the first place. GET OUT OF IT.
(There are several men who I’ve dated who fall into this category. The guy who took my virginity did not give a crap about getting me turned on so it wouldn’t hurt. Then, he was pissed I didn’t want to do it anymore and dumped my ass anyway. The guy who went to Russia was an extremely selfish lover, which should have been a huge concern but I was 22 at the time, naive, innocent, and I thought we were in love and going to get married someday. And my most recent ex, the one who broke up with me in 2017, when my life was already falling apart in every other aspect, he did not care about if I had a great time or anything besides himself for that matter. Side note: to be fair I didn’t realize how selfish he was being until he broke up with me and said that he had been selfish)
4. If a guy puts his hands on you in any way, shape, or form, then he is total trash and deserves to have his manhood revoked immediately.
5. If a man calls you fat or anything derogatory that doesn’t feel good, that is a bad sign.
(Even if he says you’re getting fat because you’re in a happy relationship)
6. A guy should buy you flowers. PERIOD. If you like flowers and he likes you, then he should come through. If you ask him for flowers and he still does not deliver and it makes you feel like crap, speak up and make him step off.
7. Saying you want to become a tattoo artist is not a good reason to break up with someone. (Sorry, I had to say it).
8. If a guy decides that going to a music festival in Montreal is more important than being there with you at your grandmother’s funeral, he is an asshole.
9. If a guy gets pissed off when you offer to give him gas money or pick him up, then he is being a baby. You should walk away. (I should have walked away).
10. If you feel ignored for any reason at all, and you speak up about it, and he still does not deliver, then that’s a problem.
11. If a guy sits you down and says that “he is trying to get there but doesn’t know if he can” give him the pass way before you get your stupid, naive heart broken.
12. If the guy makes you mad and/or disrespects you in any way and you stand up for yourself and he can’t handle it, you deserve better than that. Tell him to go away.
13. If he has any unresolved childhood issues or intimacy issues or acts weird about sex, it’s not your responsibility to fix any of it. It’s HIS responsibility and he needs to take care of it. He needs to get the help on his own. If he needs to see a therapist, he should already be seeing said therapist before he gets involved with YOU.
14. If your boyfriend is so afraid of your parents that he won’t come into the house, then that’s probably not a good sign either.
15. Your significant other should want to spend as much time with you as then can. If you feel like they aren’t spending enough time with you, then there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s okay that you feel that way and it’s okay to speak up. What’s not okay is if you do speak up and they ignore what you say.
(This rule is basically that they should not ignore anything you say ever!)
16. You don’t owe anyone a blow job. Ever. If anything about it makes you uncomfortable, then you don’t have to give in. You don’t have to do anything sexual that you don’t want to do, for that matter.
17. If your significant other calls someone who has a different political opinion than him “retarded” then he is trash and should be left immediately.
18. If a guy who already has a girlfriend propositions you for sex than he is total trash and is not worth spending another second around.
19. A guy should want to come with you family events. Watching a big game of football is not an excuse to miss anything. God invented tivo or other streaming services for a reason, people. Missing one football game should not even be an issue, hands down. Making you literally RUN to the restaurant and RUN home after 30 minutes should not be a thing even IF it is his birthday. If someone takes you out to dinner on your birthday there should at least be thank you sex or something.
20. Your intuition is important. Don’t ignore it. If something doesn’t feel right, nine times out of ten, it isn’t.
The above mentioned stories all actually did happen, unfortunately. For any of you haters out there who were wondering.
I don’t want anyone’s pity or anything. If there’s someone out there who’s experiencing a similar situation to any of this then my hope is that I can help them make an informed decision and avoid some of the impossible heartbreak that I’ve experienced over the years. Maybe one person can learn from my mistakes.