This summer I’ve been barely working. I’ve been working my tutoring job but I get these weird two to four hour shifts in the afternoon and have to spend my whole day planning around them. I feel so stressed out on the days I have to work since I spend the whole day just waiting for work to start. Yesterday was my last day there, and I’ll miss the kids, but I won’t miss working in the evenings when I could be enjoying time with people or cooking a healthy dinner.
In good news, I finally got a teaching job. But it doesn’t start until Tuesday. So I’ve been patiently waiting, requesting every single teaching book I can from the library that somehow I hope will miraculously help me as a first-year teacher. I’ve been waiting and wanting this job since I can remember. I don’t think it feels real yet, I think that’s the problem.
I’ve been listening to all these podcasts and trying to find self-help books that help me continue to heal but I just feel terribly lost.
I don’t know if I’ll be a good teacher. I think I’m still scarred from how horrible some of the parts of my grad program were. How horribly some teachers treated me when I was a student teacher.
I’m scarred from how some of the teachers at work treated me this year as a para, and I’m vowing not to do that to ANY of the paras I work with throughout my career. I will tell paras directly what I want them to do or change. I will invite them to baby showers or other social events because they are people too! And let’s face it, schools cannot get by without paras. I think all teachers should be required to be a para before they get their own classroom, then they will have a unique perspective of the elementary/middle/high school experience that they might not have otherwise had.
I’m still seeing tinder boy. Not sure if he’s my boyfriend. I think that’s another reason why I feel lost. Why do I feel like I need a label? I’m still so screwed up from my past relationships that I often have nightmares.
I realized this week that I don’t randomly break out into song anymore. I’ve lost my music. I used to obsessively sing and write down song lyrics so I wouldn’t lose them.
I don’t do that anymore. Maybe I’m not as okay as I thought.
I do feel blessed that someone had enough faith in me to finally hire me as a teacher. I’m still getting daily rejection emails from all the schools I applied to over the past 6 months.
Maybe there’s so much change all at once that I’m shutting down? I can’t wait to get my first paycheck and shove as much of it as I can into my savings account.
I know I’ll have to rely deeply on this blog as I begin my first year as a classroom teacher. Hopefully once I meet my students I won’t feel so lost anymore.